Broken
by Hikari Nanase
Summary: This happens to be a rather old fic, so please bare with my melodrama. Hiei has become an alcoholic, and not only that, his sister is about to get married and everyone, but him is moving on in life. With all this pain, suicide is beginning to look good
1. Default Chapter

Broken Prologue with Chapter One By: Hikari 4/10/00 Notes: I haven't seen all of Yu Yu Hakusho; please forgive my mistakes  
  
*****  
  
So this is me. Bare naked and alone in this dark room. No one to keep me company, but my own reflection. It's raining again, and the cool of the atmosphere makes my hair bristle and my skin tighten. I hate my life. Everything I have went through was all in vain and meaningless. My dreams and hopes just went through my tired fingertips like sand. like water. You look at me, you laugh at me, you're my reflection, YOU'RE ME. How could this be? This monster in this mirror. Hideously green, covered with eyes, tinged yellow and evil. GO AWAY! YOU BEAST! YOU DEVIL!BASTARD! Why did this have to happen? Why did I turn into this? I throw my fist, and the glass shatters into a million pieces, grazing my bare chest, and scarring my face. Hot blood ribbons down my arm, fragments of the looking glass biting into my flesh- the embodiment of death in all forms. Surprisingly, this doesn't hurt. On the contrary, it's quite relieving. Perhaps hurting myself is a means of destroying death. Death. It used to be my favorite word. But the death I was interested in was evil. And like all evil, it may be appealing to the iris at first, but it won't be long until the debt of pain follows. I fall to the ground, as my loss absorbs into the pure white carpet. tainting it. This is my touch, I kill everything my hands lay upon- even if it's just a sweet caress. It's so hard to breathe, everything is spinning. Have I lost it all? Even who I am? Who am I? I don't know anymore. Would someone please make the hurt stop? Make the stinging tears stop? I can't. they just keep coming.  
  
  
  
~~~~~ And you don't seem to understand.  
  
A shame you seemed an honest man  
  
And all the fears you hold so peak  
  
Will turn to whisper in your ear And you know what they say might hurt you  
  
And you know that it means so much  
  
And you don't even feel a thing  
  
I am falling, I am fading,  
  
I have lost it all.  
  
And you don't seem the lying kind  
  
A shame then I can read your mind  
  
And all the things that I read in there  
  
Candle lit smile that we both share  
  
And you know I don't mean to hurt you  
  
But you know that it means so much  
  
And you don't even feel a thing I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning,  
  
Help me to breathe I am hurting,  
  
I have lost it all  
  
I am losing  
  
Help me to breathe I am falling.  
  
I am fading, I am drowning,  
  
Help me to breathe I am hurting,  
  
I have lost it all  
  
I am losing  
  
Help me to breathe. *****  
  
Kurama swept the glass into the trashcan, and unscrewed the full- length mirror from the wall. He didn't ask me why I broke it, just gave me his usual forgiving smile. Hell, he even bandaged my ripped arm and gave me a towel to hide my nudity. The tissue on my forearm was torn in three places, and ten punctures were scattered throughout. Damn. I really did it this time. The last incident of blood I somehow brought upon myself- involved a tub and lots of hot water. I won't explain any further. Lately, I guess I've been slipping. What am I thinking? I AM slipping. It's been more than a year since I've had a mission, and Mukuro gave me her consent in letting me stay in Ningenkai for a while. I shouldn't have left. I only bring trouble to those I have known to be my friends. Especially Kurama. He never gave-up caring though. He always asked why I do what I do- hurting myself.  
  
The door suddenly closes shut. He must have taken the mirror outside to throw the miserable thing away. Hn. I'm being selfish again. I can't help it though. The idiot just proposed to Yukina, Kurama is in what those ningens call college; same with Yusuke and Keiko, and even Shizuru got married and opened several hair salon chains. It's strange. Everyone has moved on. except for me. I've found that working and training for Mukuro to only be a means of drying out the time that's left in my life. Yes, I've reached my peak in power, and I'm still rising too. I'm Mukuro's highest general and heir to the throne. My sister is found, the tear gem has been retrieved- what could possibly be missing?  
  
"You've been drinking again, haven't you?"  
  
He's back. "I happen to like sake."  
  
"But everyday?" Kurama moved to his night chair where my cloak hung. His hands wandered around and searched in the many hidden folds. Pulling his arm out, he holds a metal canister. Unscrewing the lid, he inhales and winces at the intensity of alcohol. "You do realize that something this potent can kill someone like Yusuke."  
  
"It's just liquor."  
  
Sighing, Kurama went to the basin in his dorm to dump the volatile liquid. Doesn't matter, he knows I always get more. "Hiei."  
  
"What?"  
  
"What happened to you? Your skin is practically yellow, you don't eat, you don't sleep. all you do is self-loath."  
  
I don't know how to answer that.  
  
"Don't you care anymore?"  
  
I don't know how to answer that one either.  
  
"Don't you have values anymore?"  
  
I thought I did.  
  
"Aren't you going to answer me?"  
  
"I'm not living."  
  
"Nani?" My friend blinks.  
  
"Nothing. I said nothing." 


	2. Broken Chapter 2

Broken: Part Two "Just Another Day" 4/19/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: hikari1612@netzero.ne  
  
Notes: All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
Okay, so I decided to go. The rain stopped a few hours ago, and Yusuke's Kaasan, Atsuko - I believe- decided to invite us over for dinner. Not that I'm hungry, but I overheard that Yukina would be there. I don't know, maybe when we get there I'll pass on the sushi. Ugh. easy around the corners Kurama, I really don't want to have one in your car.  
  
"Are you okay? You're turning green."  
  
Oh yes, I'm happy and as fresh as a daisy. "I'll live."  
  
"I told you to go easy on the sake."  
  
You can shut up now. Alright Hiei take it easy. It's the sake; it's making you irritable. CONTROL yourself. As soon as this car stops, get out and sit down. That's all there is to it. SIT.  
  
We pass another turn, and drive up Yusuke's street. It's rather quiet, all I can hear is the splashing of water from the tires grinding on the asphalt. Kurama stopped the car in the driveway and put it on park. Note to self: never drink before a road trip. Better yet: CUT DOWN ON THE ALCOHOL. Alcohol. That shady, sticky liquid sloshing about my mouth- numbing my nerves. This is so stupid. I'm dependent on a drink. What's worse is that I'm aware of it. When did I start anyway? A month ago? Two months perhaps?  
  
"Hiei."  
  
I get nudged on the shoulder.  
  
"Common' lets go." My friend motions for me to get out of the car, and gingerly I remove the seat belt. Jeez, am I slow. Getting out, Kurama closes the door behind me and locks up. Walking up the concrete pathway to the doorstep, my accomplice rings the bell. There's a buzz, and the door is opened by the infamous Yusuke Urameshi. Heh, his hair is gelled-up again. I hope he knows that he'll get balled if he overdoes it. This coming from an alcoholic, how many times have I enthused this already? Must be guilt.  
  
"Hic." Oops.  
  
Kurama sweat drops and ushers me inside. Yusuke, on the other hand, scratches his head curiously. I shake off Kurama's hand from my shoulder. I CAN guide myself in this place. I just want a chair. Following the unusually light conversation, I peer though a doorway. The living room is incredibly bright, I have to squint a little to keep from falling over. Who's here? Keiko, Atsuko, Botan, the moron, and we can't forget Yukina.  
  
"Hic." Crap, great entrance.  
  
Botan smiles and waves happily, gesturing for us to join. Kurama immediately smiles back and offers to open some sodas, while I accomplish my task, I sit. The floor table is completely covered with a huge platter of colorful sushi. On the side, wasabi and soy sauce. Very nice display, I admit. The food was arranged in flower shapes and designs. But the patterns. my head.  
  
Yukina places her hand on my shoulder, I look over and spy the ring. It's pretty actually. I have no doubt that Kuwabara went out of his way to save, but can he really afford a wedding?  
  
"Would you like some Hiei-san? I made this platter for you." She holds out a small plate. The dish is white to contrast with the colors of the sushi. I notice that the rolls have been turned to the side to give off the color black. The rolls were put together carefully to form the shape that resembles my Kokuryhua. Amazing. she really spent a lot of time.  
  
"Um. thank-you." Well I can't say: 'no' right?!?!  
  
So I ate the whole dish. Yukina looked pleased. I felt pleased. My stomach did not. Lightly, I tug at Atsuko's sleeve to ask where the restroom is.  
  
"Down the hall to your right."  
  
As soon as I'm out of sight, I run for it and slam the door behind me. Opening the lid, I begin to vomit. I had no idea my stomach could suck far in and nearly touch my spinal cord like that! To my dismay, the force becomes much stronger, making me bend over into the bowl further. This truly hurts. My ribs ache and my throat feels acidicly sore. I know my eyes are watering because everything is blurring. When I finally finished after a half-an-hour of bawling, I flushed the toilet and washed up. I didn't bother looking into the mirror. 


	3. Broken Chapter 3

Broken: Part Three "Sedative" By: Hikari 4/22/00 E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: none. All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
Fifteen. This is the fifteenth time I'm sleeping over at Kurama's place. He wouldn't allow me to be outside in this condition. Though, I really didn't have much of a choice- I'm too drugged to even help myself. So here I am. In the living room, sleeping on the couch. More accurately, in the living room, LOOKING at the ceiling, TOSSING on the couch. My body wants rest, but my mind won't permit it. My Yukina. getting married. I wish your brother would be there to give you away. What family have you, but me? This is what I have been dreading for the longest time- I often denied it, but at last it came true. You're leaving me to start a family of your own. I won't dare stop you, this is you're happiness. It's enough that I've taken lives at the age of five, but to strip you away of your smile to keep for myself is just cruel.  
  
The springs inside the cushions of the couch squeak a little as I turn to my side and embrace my pillow. Everyone is asleep. I am awake. What for? Nothing, but to waste hot tears into these sheets- they absorbing them before they had a chance to crystallize into their true worth. I've never needed anyone or anything to comfort me. I don't WANT anyone to do such a thing- it's weak. But then look what happened, I'm muffling my wails with a pillow. It's so ironic, to find such sedative in an insignificant thing. I'm pretty sure Kurama knows what I've been doing. Many times, in the morning before his schooling, I see him rubbing his fingers across my bedding curiously. I just look away and watch the sights uninterestedly on the veranda. Yes, he knows. Why else would he polish his fingers together after touching the sheets, and then look at me poignantly? Kurama, you are too kind. Out of everyone, you're the only one aware of my sufferings.  
  
I don't want to wake him from his room. Make him lose sleep over my stupid tears. They're not even for anyone- and that just cheapens them. This bothers me the most: Then why am I crying? For myself again?  
  
Hn. I wonder how it feels.to be held in someone else's arms and not be frightened anymore. That is comfort. From a friend, a mother, a brother, or sister. Father, no. I've never seen him, but I know I hate him. Making love to my mother and leaving her like that- not even caring about her needs. And I'm supposed to look like him. This in sickens me and increases my hate immeasurably. I can't stand to think of myself as a mistake of nature. But my life just PROVES that. There is no purpose in my being, so doesn't that confirm the idea I AM a living mistake?  
  
I should no longer be surprised that my life has abandoned me. I was born to whither and die. If I died, wouldn't this world be relieved of a curse? Kurama wouldn't have to give shit about me, I won't have to keep on lying, the idiot won't have to put up with me; and I WON'T have to put up with him, Yusuke and the rest would go on living, and Yukina. Yukina will have her own family to love. If I died, there will no longer be blood. At least, no more in my hands than I already have. I do hate myself. For everything I have done. My whole life is pointless! What do I do? I kill. Kill kill kill KILL. I shouldn't be in existence for what I do. I used to enjoy it, but not anymore. If someone killed my sister, if someone killed Kurama or Yusuke permanently- I couldn't say anything because that marks me as a hypocrite. I criticize a killer, when I myself have done worse? Does a soul like that deserve a body?  
  
Of course, Mukuro would never let me pass on. It's not in her best interest for me to leave life. She'll keep on resurrecting me until she herself dies. God is mocking me. He won't release me from these damned chains. What do you want of me?!?! Does it content you to see me crumble like this before you?!?! Just throw me into Hell!!!! You're only prolonging the inevitable! I don't want to cry like this anymore. this feeling. of loneliness and failure. it's worse than any attack I have EVER encountered. 


	4. Broken Chapter 4

Broken: Part Four "Presage" 4/24/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: This part sucks. it's better off it were in serious doujinshi form () All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
I squint my eyes and groggily turn over, covers completely twisting over my body and around my legs. The sun's rays beat over my eyelids, and whiten the whole living room. What a pain. I don't want to wake-up. I. want. to. SLEEP. Heaving myself out of bed, I stumble over the fallen blankets and pillows. It's not that I'm still having a hangover, it's just that I only got around forty-five minutes of rest last night. On my way to the blinds at the balcony, I stub my toe and hit my knee on several chairs and table legs. I would have streamed out curses no one would ever have dreamed of hearing before, but right now I don't care. Gruffly, I push these stupid obstacles out of my way. After that ordeal, I almost did a summersault over Kurama's leather footrest. Oh, what a perfect way to start a day, ne? Walk around like that loon from that show I saw on T.V. once. Who's that guy again? Dick Van Dyke? What a name.  
  
Well what do you know, I made it here alive. A few bruises here and there, nothing to worry about. All I need to do is to pull this string and VOILA. I can go back to bed. er. couch. Pulling on the string, I quickly run and literally throw myself into my most favorite place in the world- face first that is.  
  
Aahh. it's so quiet. It's nice and cool in here too. I can't help, but rub my face among the comfy pillows. Great thing to know that ningens are good for something- and that's making air conditioners.  
  
A few moments pass, and my ears pick-up activity and creaks from the other room. Footsteps. Kurama is getting ready for school. What is he doing in his room anyway? Sounds like he's walking in circles. Wait a minute. Who am I to talk? I probably made it sound as though an apocalypse were taking place when I was moving around. The door opens and bangs loudly. I turn my head to the side, and glimpse Kurama pop some bread into the toaster and brew some coffee. The next thing I know, he dashes to the living room and pulls open the blinds. ALL THE FREAKING WAY. The wash of light gives me a piercing headache. it's like having the hangover all over again! Before I can say a word, my friend hurriedly goes out the dorm- toast in mouth and mug in hand- door slamming deafeningly behind him. I blink a few times in disbelief. He's actually late. That's highly unusual. It's a sign that the world is collapsing. Sitting up, I stretch out and wait for my eyes to adjust to the luminosity. Now considering what just happened, having survived a regular redheaded tornado whizzing by, I'm thinking heavenly slumber will be a little too hard to achieve.  
  
So I stand again, and this time, walk to the kitchen without being beaten- up by furniture. Opening the fridge, I finger through the countless numbers of jars, bento boxes, taper ware, and mystery foil wraps. They clanging and clinging somewhat musically together. If this were the idiot's fridge, I'd probably have to fight against unknown life forms of the third degree. I can easily imagine myself being strangled by tentacles from disgusting mold or mutated mildew- sucked into the icebox never to be heard from again. My tombstone reads: He was born. He lived. He lost to a fridge.  
  
Finally I found something I like. Milk. There's not much left in the carton, might as well finish it off and dispose of it. I grab a glass from the dish rack and pour until the last few drops seep out. Gulping the milk down, my foot pushes on the button at the bottom the trashcan to open the lid. My eyes shift to their corners and glance at the living room. Abruptly, I spray out the milk, and wipe off the mustache from my face. What the hell? Are my eyes playing tricks on me? The couch. where are my sheets? The pillows too. they're gone! Setting the cup on the counter, I rub my eyes and look again. No. the bedding is still gone! Vanished! Deciding that there is no way that my covers could have folded and put themselves away, I walk to where I slept. Hands examine the couch warily, irises flit in all directions- nothing. Alright. I probably need more milk to get my system going- I'm not crazy, I'm tired.  
  
Rotating around, my body jolts- and I nearly trip over my own feet. My glass. where is it? It was on the counter five seconds ago!! I sprint for the kitchen, and look on the floor in case it had fallen- but then, wouldn't I have heard the shattering of glass? Slowly, look up. The glass I had used is back on the dish rack- untouched. I then rush to open the trash bin. No carton. Now the fridge- and low and behold there it is, in between the ketchup and the orange juice. I pick it up and shake it around. The milk was still in there.  
  
My throats tightens and my breathing becomes audible and heavy. This must be a dream. A dream, that's what this is. One BIG dream. In dreams you can't read anything. Numbers, words, and figures get jumbled and distorted- undecipherable. Kurama's shelf is satiated with books, all that needs to be done is to go to his room and see if I can derive any text.  
  
Striding steadfastly, I barge through the room- making the door recherché off the wall, taking bits of plaster. Grabbing a reasonably thick book, I open it and read.  
  
"Darwin's theory on evolution states that mammals and invertebrates alike, must adapt to their environment in order to survive. Thus, Darwin's basis on evolution- natural selection- is brought into act. The physical trait, which is found to be most useful to that species in a specific area, would be passed down from one generation to the next- until a whole new breed is formed. Otherwise, the creature inhabiting that zone will gradually die away from natural extinction."  
  
This is NOT a dream. Angrily, my fingers begin to tremble and with my hands, I tear the book to shreds. Spitefully, it's thrown to the floor- some of the pages fluttering down like feathers.  
  
"Well?!?! What are you waiting for?!?! Aren't you going sprout arms and paste yourself together?!?!" Staring at the scraps of paper, they remain idle. I look away, and see that the plaster on the wall is now back in its place- perfect. So that's how it is. It's only when my attention is no longer directed, that inanimate objects restore themselves. My attention goes back to the book. It's no longer in puzzle-pieces on the carpet, but back on the shelf- right where it belongs.  
  
"But why?" I back-up and slide against the door- body virtually trembling with terror. Raising my right hand to my face, I discern into it. How pale it is, and frail- almost dead in appearance. It quakes uncontrollably, beyond my restrain. I stare at it for a long time, until finally. finally I use my left hand to scratch deep into my palm- hoping to open the flesh and rupture a vein. 


	5. Broken Chapter 5

Broken: Part Five "Extrication" By: Hikari 5/1/00 E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: Arigato gozaimasu Rose-san for e-mailing to me. Turns-out that there aren't too many problems (or any at all) ^^(). Gomen nasai for the confusion. All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
The warm water streams out of the faucet, diluting my blood into a hue of pink. I hiss a little at the pain, but it had to be done. I'm still alive, my wound proves it. This act didn't help much in confirming my sanity, however. For when the red had spilled upon the carpet as it had one day previous- it didn't stain it. Well, it did- but it didn't stay. I'm not sure as to what to think. Either this is undeniably happening, or I've lost all connection to reality. I don't understand this. what will become of me?  
  
I turn the taps tightly, and was about to wipe the mirror clean- when I realized that the fog would disappear on its own quickly. VERY quickly. I groan, and open the medicine cabinet for some aspirin. From what I've learned, chances are the aspirin will go back to its bottle. Popping the cap, I take three pills and set them side by side. Filling a cup with water, I swallow one of the medicine- and feel it sink to the bottom of my stomach. Glancing at the countertop, I wished I was wrong. The third pill was back with the set. I don't know why, but part of me feels like laughing- no matter what I do, everything will remain unscathed. I can walk around the earth, taking my anger out on whatever is blocking my way. There would be nothing to worry about. No harm would be inflicted. I can destroy, and leave havoc without causing any tears. I won't be able to kill. Smiling a little- I experiment with this phenomenon by pressing my palm to the mirror. No sooner had I done this, my imprint instantly disappears. My smile fades.  
  
Then again, I wonder if I can stand touching and leaving no mark. No mark. If I kissed my sister. would she feel it? How can it be that something that leaves no evidence of being, give off heat or emotion? It's impossible. isn't it? That question alone tries the fact that I can still bleed- that I can feel.  
  
The sound of keys jingle from outside. Did that much time pass? Kurama is already back home from school. It probably took hours before my skin ultimately ripped. I need to show him this. what will he make out of it? If he doesn't witness what I've been seeing, I MUST be insane. Footfalls hasten directly to this room- I can see his shadow from underneath the rift. The door knob rattles, and then swings open casually.  
  
"Kurama."  
  
He walks through, humming some foreign tune- smile painted on his face. Hn. Probably aced an exam or something. "Kurama."  
  
Pulling a drawer open, Kurama begins to brush his tossled hair briskly. Later, he cleans his teeth, and washes his face. I, in the meantime, wait patiently. It's a bit foreboding that he didn't speak a word to me this morning or when he returned. Normally, he would either greet or offer one of those sugary grins that frequently annoyed me. Now. I deduce, from all those years of Shuiichi moral, I genuinely miss the ritual- even though it's only been half a day. He smiles to himself once more, throwing the brush and toothpaste tube into a cabinet. I don't believe it, even when he's grooming he's exultant. Kurama is so easy to please. so easy to content. if only I were like that.  
  
Spinning around, my friend reaches for the towel. I move slightly to the side for him to reach it. when his hand went straight through my abdomen and out again- cloth in tow. I suddenly feel my insides twist, and blood starts to fountain out of my mouth as chills rivet me. Hands quickly bowl under my chin, collecting the blood into a pond.  
  
"Help." My voice emerges raspy and scarlet spurts out, raining on the white wall. Kurama notices nothing, and leaves the bathroom, still humming his cheerful song. There was so much blood, so I wound up inhaling it. As a result, I coughed even more- tears burning trails because of exhaustion. It wouldn't stop. I just kept bleeding, to the point that it overflowed and splattered on my clothes and onto the carpeting.  
  
******  
  
When the bleeding finally ceased, I find myself curled into a tight ball on the floor. Looking up- vision focusing- there was no trace of blood what-so- ever. Not on the wall, not on the carpet, not even on my hands. Nevertheless, the experience was excruciating. I can't think of one event that I've endured physically that was more painful than this. My whole torso felt like it was in a vice, only worse. In addition, my throat seemed as though it were on fire! The flames I wield are simply sparks compared to the supposed burns in my lungs.  
  
I stand, and stagger out- perturbed. Gripping for the pane of the entrance, I lean on it fatiguely. Kurama is in the living room, reading a book on the sofa. He can't see me. No one can. It's not necessary to conduct any analysis to assume such an idea. I've got all the verification I can put-up with.  
  
My lips are quivering, and I know why. I don't want to admit it. I don't want confess it. I never will. Unfortunately, my conscious won't silence. The voice rings over and over again- jadedly in my head. You're afraid. You're scared. You're now truly all alone. Your wish has been granted. The world is going on without you- and you get to see it. for the rest of your life. Eyes broaden, and cool perspiration drips down my back. I shudder at my fate.  
  
Abruptly, I stop myself. The grasp on the pane vehemently braces, worn nails splintering the wood. NO. I won't despair. I have taught myself to be strong. there should be no reason why I can't cope. I'm going to find out why this happened. HOW this happened. If I need to break all barriers. I will.  
  
My attention goes back to Kurama. He fell asleep, book on lap. If anything, he didn't get enough rest last night. He was late this morning, and acing a test at so early a time burned-out his human body- that and well, getting gray hairs about my well-being. At least he won't have to anymore. Walking to him, I remove the book and place it on the other end of the sofa. Taking the quilt from the back-support, I cover him. I know whether I do this or not won't make a difference. but he would- without hesitation- do the same for me. Hn. the best kind of friend, was also the worst kind of thief. Who would have known I would be in debt to his humanity? 


	6. Broken Chapter 6

Broken: Part Six " Recollection" 5/8/00 E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: None. All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
How calm it is tonight. No cars, no people, nothing. Even the usual chirping from crickets are silent. I look up to the sky, my wispy bangs sliding over the bridge of my nose. There are no stars, just the eerie yellow moon. The glow it emitted gives a peculiar tinge to the streets I am walking through. It makes me wonder, how long has it been since that orb shown rays of white? Never mind. it makes sense that something as great as the moon won't bask me in its purity. Hn. I'm undeserving. I guess it is fitting for me to receive this dirty color. The last that I have ever seen true white. was in Yukina's pearls, when she saw the ring the idiot had bought her. She looked so happy. to the extent that she had shed quiet tears. When no one was looking, I quickly pocketed one of her priceless gems. Every night, I would look at it- to remind me how blessed I am to have such a wonderful sister. Then something happened. I lost the pearl, and I was never able to find it. Not even with my jagan.  
  
I pass another turn around a curb, and peek into a window. I had looked into and out through many windows before. Some might call it my hobby. Maybe it's because the window is very much like my whole life. Every time I wanted something. sincerely wanted something. for instance. love. I was never able to reach it. There was always something blocking my way. Regrettably, what's blocking my way is simple glass. A clear sheet. I can never break it. I can only look through it. I can watch other people wallow in their happiness, but that's all I can do. WATCH. Watch others smile in delight. Watch them run freely among the lush grass.Watch them have the simple, yet meaningful things, that I have never known in the expanse of my gray years. I can stretch my fingertips as far as I can, and all that they would feel is cold, lifeless, glass. Not air, not a breeze, not the warmth of the sun. GLASS.  
  
My eyes inspect what is inside this building. This must be what those ningens call a pharmacy. Medicines are lined up in their respective bottles, to be viewed by this pane. One of the bottles catches my eye- the label reads: Valium. For some reason, the label is bothering me. Valium. If I- remember correctly..  
  
*****  
  
"YOU BASTARD!!! DAMN YOU!! GIVE IT TO ME!!! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!"  
  
My arms flail frantically, but I can't reach it. He won't let me have it. He won't give me my liquor! He raises his arm higher, desperately trying to avoid my violent clawing. I need a drink, I must have it. I need it!!! He won't let me. he won't give it to me. ASSHOLE!!! He pushes me over, and runs out to the veranda- throwing the alcohol far into the night. The liquid inside dribbles out, spilling yellow-brown in mid-air. The metal of the canister clangs against the pavement, and what could be leaves and branches.  
  
We're both out of breath, more so Kurama for fighting against my fit. His shirt was completely torn to shreds, I even scrapped off some of the skin on his face. His cheek was drenched red, as red as his hair. But that wasn't all- he was also bleeding from the mouth, and my hands were chalk- full of his strands. They wrapping around my arm, entwined within each other- weaving in between my bony fingers. I stand-up, stumbling in the process- narrowly missing hitting the corner of a wooden table. Straightening myself up as much as possible, I scream at him.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!?!"  
  
He yells back, equally enraged. I could tell, there's no mistaking it. His eyes flickered dangerously, wide even. His teeth were bared, and his whole form quaked with efforted restrain. "HIEI YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL!!!"  
  
"WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOU?!?! I'LL DO WHAT I WISH WITH MY BODY!!! I DON'T CARE!!!"  
  
"YOU'RE BEING A DAMNED FOOL! DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO LIVE FOR?!?!"  
  
My knees suddenly buckle as his words sent a wave of agony through what's left of my being, making me sink to the ground. I can't bear to look at my friend. I'm such a burden to him. I'm a burden to everyone. Why should anyone give a thought about me? Who could care for this soul. doused repeatedly in a pool of acidic corruption- it eating me away from genuine existence. I have the flesh, I have the soul, but despite the two of these- there is no living. My body is already rotting. It has been for months- this soul, this spirit died away too long ago- before Yukina's engagement. I have no goals, nor do I have anything positive to show for. What there is are: misery, envy, loneliness, and desolation. Against my will, I begin to cry. Not just cry. but WAIL. BAWL OVER. like a pathetic dog. This was the first time I had ever cried in front Kurama. He was shocked to say the least. Again, he tries to console me- but I bitterly shove him away. My tears were searing hot, at least. they felt like it. They hardened when they reached the floor- into clear diamonds. Diamonds that meant nothing. were worth nothing. For a moment, I sense Kurama leave my side, then come back a few minutes later. He kneels beside me, gentle hand rested on my trembling shoulder. In between my gasps of air, he covered my mouth with his right hand, and slipped something inside. With his left, he pulls my head upward- making me swallow it. After that, the surroundings about me begin to haze. then all went black.  
  
*****  
  
I blink as I shake my head out of its trance. What Kurama had given me. were drugs. They were to slow my pulse and put me into a dreamless sleep. I could never imagine him taking that kind of medication- he bought it for me. He KNEW I would lose it. Especially since it was carrot-top's proposal night. We had went out for dinner at an expensive French restaurant. I can't remember any of the events that took place there. Except that. I was the only one who wasn't smiling, and that I didn't touch a thing on my plate. Later that night, we all retired home. I had left my katana and normal attire at Kurama's dorm, and went with him to recover my belongings. While I was there, I discovered that my drink was missing from one of the folds in my cloak. There could only be one thief who would dare to steal from me.  
  
At the time though, I was more delusional than my already broken state. I wanted to make the hurt go away, and I only knew of one thing that could do that for me. The catch was, it would affect everything else about me. Kurama knew that. The kind of alcohol I've been drinking is deadly. Since I haven't been eating, often I would throw-up my stomach acids instead. If not that, then blood or mucus. All of that physical pain. to stop the emotional pain.  
  
Kuwabara. you took everything I ever lived for. I'm not angry at you- you make her happy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. But the truth is. I'm sad. I'm empty. This body I have. is as heavy as lead, but hollow and drained of all health. I love Yukina so much, and she was swept away before I had a chance to really be a brother to her. Now, as a favor, Kuwabara. promise to give Yukina everything I wasn't able to. Kuwabara. love her for me. for she can never lay her eyes on mine again. 


	7. Broken Chapter 7

Broken: Part Seven "Introspection and Analysis" 5/13/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: None All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
It's amazing how much area one could cover from aimless walking. That's how I spent my whole night- I haven't gotten any true sleep for ages, there is no point in trying to anymore. I'm atop one of those corporate buildings, the building itself- reaching for the sky in vain. So I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one shackled from desire. Ironically, I'm not sure as to what exactly it is I desire. I mean, what to fill this void from within- I don't know how or what could do that. It used to be alcohol, but alcohol only blinded me further. What is it? What do I want?  
  
I round a corner of the edifice, not worrying about being seen through one of the darkened panes. There are a few pigeons roosting lazily on the concrete panel, blocking my way down this narrow aisle. I wanted them to take flight at the sight of me, but now that's impossible. My situation is increasing vastly in its complexity, and the more I think about it- the facts I know seem to contradict the next. I bleed and feel, but I do not affect my surroundings. Others can't see me, yet I see myself. I'm not dead, however, my existence is no longer known. Finally, no one remembers my presence, though the results of my being in the past are still in flow.  
  
Grimacing, I have to step over these dumb buzzards to get to the other side. I was itching to just kick them over overhang, but that would be futile. My foot would go straight through them. Besides. doing something as crude as that would hurt Yukina. She is no longer familiar of me, but it would be a waste to throw away everything she taught me. Like mercy.  
  
As I get past the disperse of feathers, and bird crap- I settle on one of the gargoyle statues. Its eyes were narrow and wicked- pupils contracted. It had sharp pointy ears, sticking towards East and West. His hair was carved in such a way, that it was wiry and fixed in all directions. He was nude and sickly, pitiful. His arms were lanky and stretched out, claws clutching onto the edge of the building. Hn. Among the others, it's this only one I always go to to lean on. My chest makes contact to the cool stone, and my cheek is relaxed against his smooth, and at the same time, grainy back. My arms hang languidly from either side, the crisp wind fiddling and curling my fingertips.  
  
It's early into the morning, and the beams of light smother the city with what I assume to be heavens colors. The people below, however, make no heed to the sun's traditional welcome- they are too engrossed with their own business to care. Everyone is rushing, running from place to place- honking his or her horns impatiently in traffic. The world is going by so slowly in comparison to these everyday happenings. My lids close, and I take-in the warmth. Even at this hour, it's so noisy. This is part of the reason why I prefer to travel by height, to block-out the redundant racket. and to be able to think.  
  
I've taken into account that time comes in two forms. One, which is by feeling, and two which is by increments of seconds, minutes, hours, days, and so on. However, these two forms are not valid. For instance, anxiety lengthens time- when in reality; everything is going according to its set schedule. Pleasure, on the other end, is the direct opposite. Time goes by fast, and you wish it to last longer.  
  
The same goes with thoughts and spoken thoughts. In the course of one minute, one idea leads to another; the outcome also comes in two forms. The first is the breaking of a puzzle. When the mind flies through facts and realizes, in a sense, a code. The second is generally relaxed contemplation, subdivided into two other categories. In one is possibility or imagination. The other is simple mental conversation. With spoken conversation, this type of mediating takes more time to compile. What can be uncovered in five minutes, winds-up taking from thirty minutes to more than three hours. This is why I work alone, I get far more accomplished. I've been telling myself this repetitiously so that I wouldn't get distracted with useless standbys, and to avoid getting too close with anyone. If I get too close, that person almost always dies at my fault. otherwise, I would inevitably be betrayed. Some think I'm imprudent for believing this. but. look at my mother. my birth alone killed her.  
  
So, I act aloof to remain strong and willful. I've practiced this ever since I could remember. As a consequence, on the occasion I meet with others- I cannot communicate. What I say comes out stinging and hostile, I offend people out of instinct. I have a lot to say that is actually worth listening to, but the problem is I can't talk. I've excommunicated myself. Thus, everyone gets the most obvious impression on me. I'm cold, I don't care, all I know is how to fight. The expressions on their faces when I appear are easy to read. Most of them are: "What a son of a bitch!" or "Have pity on him. he doesn't know." or "Oh. hi *smile*. I know you don't want to talk to me, so I'll just go back to what I was doing." and finally: "Whoa. YOU'RE here?" My exterior is oblivious, but that doesn't mean I'm sincerely ignorant. If that were the case, I wouldn't know it when I've wounded someone's feelings, or if someone else has. Still, I don't say a word. Showing. affection. if that's the right utterance, is a grave risk. There are those who plot revenge on me, they are fully aware that the best way to get what they want is by jeopardizing the ones I care for. To protect, I show no signs of emotion. When I do confide, information is slim. Often, I consider if I am pushing my chances with Kurama. He's my first faithful companion, partner, and friend. I won't ever forget him for helping me balance the weight on my back.  
  
Eyes opening, I turn my head opposite to the previous, and slacken again. The shadow I cast moved only a mere fraction of a centimeter. That means eight to nine minutes have past- give or take a few.  
  
No matter how much time I take to review what has befallen on me, or how many times I actually review, I come-up with nothing. There is no answer as to how this occurred. There is no logic, nor is there any being powerful enough to make this happen. I straighten my head, and stare down. The people walking along the sidewalks are nothing, but small specks from my view. My lashes kiss each other, and two tears drip through- falling and disappearing into the world below.  
  
"When it rains. how many souls cry, and yet are not heard?"  
  
I can barely make-out my own voice. The sound of it is grated and almost inaudible. I stand-up from my idle position, the wind blowing again- causing my cloak and tunic to move to the currents. The sound of their rustling has been the loudest thing I've heard all this morning. It's curious how the crackling of cloth can be so blaring, more so since this is the first time I noticed. Strolling away from the gargoyle nonchalantly, I jump from the building. I plummet through thin clouds, Tokyo swiftly mounting in size. There is someone. someone I want to see. 


	8. Broken Chapter 8

Broken: Part Eight "Soft Whisper" 5/18/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: none All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
"Yukina-chan. daijoubu ka?" Genkai combed back a strand of her kinky hair behind her ear- setting her book on a mahogany table; she then focused her attention on my sister. I stood at the doorway, drowned in speechlessness at Yukina's demeanor. Her face was tear-stained, cheeks flushed and eyes glazed over. Her lips were quivering relentlessly, and her whole body hiccupped from sobbing. She was sitting at her little brass bed, hair disheveled from her red ribbon. Yukina hugged her post as though it would comfort her, causing the entire bed frame to shake from her shivering. The periwinkle colored kimono she always wore was slipping from her shoulders, the obi around her waist was completely tangled and wrinkled. I glance down, and find there to be dozens of crushed and used tissues at her feet. Yukina. what happened?  
  
She shook her head ever-so slowly from side to side, her minty hair sagging depressively. The lamp in her room shone over the many pearls that were scattered all throughout her sheets, pillows, and blankets. They shimmered dazzlingly around her, throughout her unkempt bed. Her lips parted, but not a word escaped her breath. Genkai moved towards her, taking Yukina into her arms to console her. My little sister sniffs and buries her petite face into Genkai's garb, the dark blue folds hiding her pale and down-trodden face.  
  
"Gomen ne. Genkai-san." I hear her speak softly within the fine fabric. "Demo. I'm so lonely, I have no one to talk to."  
  
The weakness in her voice made me hold-on to the door pane for support. The tears trickling from her deep red eyes, and falling from her chin wouldn't stop pouring. In opposition, my throat runs dry and thick. I don't want this for her. I don't want her to be in any kind of pain!!  
  
"Doishiite? You will be marrying Kuwabara-kun soon. Are you having second thoughts? Are you scared?"  
  
"I am. a little scared. but that's not what I am afraid of. I. I." She choked in air.  
  
Genkai leaned in a little more, visage displaying undeniable concern. "Yukina-chan. what is it?"  
  
Yukina clutched onto the old sensei's shoulders, kimono sliding away from her form totally, revealing her loose white garments. "I have no family to give me away!"  
  
That exclamation earned the crushing of a heart from me. My insides were dug into- an invisible blade stabbing at me. The rapier- lodging and twisting, tearing and ripping. What have I done? Have I become so self- centered that I have forgotten the one person most important to me? The one I vowed to. live for. and protect?  
  
"Ssshh." Genkai cuddled her, murmuring comfort into her ears. "Don't be sad. when it's time for your wedding, you can start a family of your own."  
  
Yukina hiccups again, and answers back. "I know. I don't mean to be an inconvenience to you. but it isn't the same. It's a lot to ask, yes, but family is the whole point of a wedding. for some reason. I feel someone very close to me should be there. I have no relatives. though. I have a feeling. I'm missing something. or someone."  
  
Oh.no. Yukina. I.  
  
"My dear. a wedding should be of tears of joy- not grief. All of your friends will be there, for you. We're your family Yukina, we're here for you to talk to and listen to." She paused for a moment in her speech to tidy Imoutochan's tresses. " Keiko and Botan are like your sisters, and Kurama and Yusuke are like your brothers. And I ." A thoughtful smile is played across Genkai's lips. "I am like your grandmother."  
  
Yukina lightened, and embraced her care-taker and friend. In return, Genkai patted her on the back, and left Yukina to herself. I moved away from the entrance before she could walk threw me and close the door behind her. My sister looks up to the ceiling, eyes sparkling hopefully. and wistful.  
  
"There is someone watching over me. I can feel you. I feel your warmth. You come to me every night. but this time it seems different." She puts her palms together and shuts her eyes delicately. "I don't know who you are. still. I love you. God bless you for watching me and my dear friends. Thank-you." Her eyes open, exposing her beautiful irises- filled with vibrant emotion. Two more tears left the corners of her eyes, congealed into gems, and plunged into her fluffy sheets. The weight of them producing miniature waves of blanketing.  
  
She pulls her legs up from the floor, slipping off her slippers in the process. Imoutochan sits up now, legs folded under her. Apparently, she's letting herself soar through her own thoughts- we DO have something in common. I walk to Yukina, and seat myself behind her back. My arms are aching to hold her. to take care of her. I can't touch her. I can't touch my flesh and blood. I can't help it. I want to try. Unleashing my upper limbs, I lock them around her. Blinking, I find that I can actually bear her. Yukina didn't go through me. but there was another price- hugging her was like holding white hot daggers. I don't care, the anguish is nothing compared to being with my sister.  
  
I notice that Yukina's lids begin to droop, then finally- they fluttered shut. My hands move to enclose her kimono around her, after that. I begin to stroke her individual strands. The strands chaffed through the skin on my fingers, blood leaching through the cuts. Some of the blood spots the white comforters, then they later fade away from existence. Because of my little sister's weight, she starts to descend from my chest and lands at my lap. I take a comforter and wrap her tightly within my tight embrace.  
  
The entire night, I held her as so- and never let go. Yukina's face was no longer drenched in sorrow, she was peaceful. Bending, I kiss my sister nimbly on the forehead. The next thing that took place, lifted my absolute guilt by far. When I straightened my alignment, Yukina whispered in her sleep. What she said will forever be engrained in the far reaches of my soul and heart.  
  
"Oniichan." 


	9. Broken Chapter 9

Broken: Part Nine "It's Only Rain." 5/22/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: None. All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
The city streets are illuminated this afternoon. Roads are highlighted gold, autumn's dried and fallen leaves brushing against the asphalt. It seems the weather is cooling into rainy temperatures- for the flow of wind was much more brisk. I pass by several schoolgirls, all in halter- tops, who are now fastening their denim and polyester jackets. They look up at the sky, and seeing as it is darkening- retreat for a malt shop around the corner. The yellow streets are presently being swallowed up by dreary and bleak shadows. I correct myself. It WILL rain, and as though I were speaking of the devil himself- acute light flashes, followed latter by low thunder. Around me, the community appears to be in a condition of turmoil. Everyone is rushing for shelter, hastily boarding taxis and buses to get out of the fore coming storm. How abnormal, you would think that they have never witnessed waterfall before.  
  
My old shoes are sodden from the forming puddles, and I can feel my feet chill from the moisture. Cars and other automobiles screech by, emptying the usually lively plaza into a vacant parking lot. The city is deserted; I'm the only one strolling through it. Nothing new, my walks tend to be lonely.  
  
"Oh no! This really blows!" Someone hollers from behind, voice out of breath and apparently frustrated. I turn my head around, and bat my eyelids- several beads of rain trapped in between lashes. In the distance, I can see an all too familiar patch of radiant red hair. The tresses were long and glossy, droplets decorating each and every tip. It's Kurama. He's running in my direction, the scent of fruitful roses drawing nearer and nearer. As his image enlarges, I become aware of the fashion he's in- textbooks overhead, soaked from bottom to top. Dashing past me, his legs splash at a diminutive lake- so hard that the muddy water made contact with my face. In spite of myself, I grin a little. Why thank- you, I needed a wake-up call from staying-up all night anyhow.  
  
Calmly, I follow him. When he stops at a door, Kurama bangs at it violently, then halts and searches for something in his waterlogged pants. "Cut me some slack today! Don't tell me I lost my keys too!"  
  
This place must be where Kurama works after school. He told me he was an assistant at a medical-care center. I don't understand why such a building would be closed now. My friend peeps into the wide window, and his expression suddenly alters into realization. "I forgot! The building is supposed to be locked-up today for internal and external renovation!"  
  
Hn. Answers my question. This building could really use it too. The cement at the doorway was chipped, rust was developing at the keyhole, and the windows were grazed. How idiotic, if someone doesn't maintain the edifice- there's no chance that it can survive through another storm like this. What astounds me the most is that a place as poorly kept as this would be found in the richest city of Japan. Then again, this medical center is supposed to be of aid to people who are experiencing momentary financial or insurance problems- keep in mind. 'supposedly'. Jeez, how can Kurama stand to be caught working in dilapidated facilities? Too much humility. I'm not sure whether to be impressed or revolted.  
  
I hear the sound of slopping material, and take my interest away from the dump. The redhead slips off his loafers, dispensing two cups worth from each shoe- then reinstating them back on his feet. Damn. Kurama looks like he swam through a tsunami. He wrings his green shirt, literally a quart of water being squeezed out of every stitch of the fabric. His beige slacks practically clung onto his legs- luckily for him there aren't any girls around. The redhead sighs dejectedly, leaning against the brick wall- reluctantly allowing himself to act like a sponge. The textbooks at his hands are slippery wet, and the pages within them are also wrinkled- adding to the already massive size of the books. Kurama's palms appear to be straining to expand to the growing width in paper, and the icy temperature wasn't helping either. His nail beds were turning purple and blue, as were his lips.  
  
"What a day." He murmurs- eyebrows twitching with annoyance, eyelids on the verge of sinking. " I was late for school again, I lost my term report, my keys are missing."  
  
Late again? Lost your report AND your keys?!  
  
Stiff fingers reach into his breast pocket, retrieving a cellular phone. Flicking the receiver open with his quivering thumb, Kurama transfers his books into the carve of his other arm- struggling to dial at the same time without dropping any of the four. "Hello, Yusuke? Do you mind if you can give me a lift? It turns out there's no work for me today. My car? It's at an auto shop- the gears from the stick shift have been over-stressed. Yes, I'm fine- you know where to find me right? Thanks, I owe you- Hello? Hello? Yusuke?" Kurama brings the phone away from his face and stares at it in disbelief. "Great. out of batteries too."  
  
My friend shrugs, retiring the phone back into the pocket it came from. The pouring strengthens, raindrops hitting the pavement as hard as bullets. Sneezing a few times, Kurama presses himself as much as he can to the wall at his rear to avoid getting any more soused than he already was. The position he was in looked none-too comfortable. The bricks on the wall were dull at edge and uneven. Plus, his method wasn't really working for him, as his complexion paled into white. You are going to get sick.  
  
I glance around, and find an aged lever for an awning at the sidewall of this office. Running up to it, I try to crank the knob to open the shelter. Unfortunately, I understand that the awning would return to being folded if I secured it and left it standing. If I wanted it to stay, I would have to focus on the lever by holding it down until Yusuke arrives. Too bad for me I guess.  
  
Rotating the lever, the components of the release and gears creaked and clicked unsteadily. The metal wire restraining the sunshade refused to let- go. Frowning, I open my palms and push forward with my weight until I thought my veins would pop. Gratifyingly, after much effort dealing with the disobedient pedal, the shielding slowly opens over Kurama's head. The water that was captured inside the creases of cloth was freed, and flowed from the cloth in an enormous waterfall before him. Kurama blinks rapidly, gasped surprised. His head darts in all possible directions- looking for who did this for him, even to where I precisely stood. After a few minutes of bewilderment, he just smiles to himself, contented that this happened at all.  
  
The raining un-ceased. In fact, it worsened. Every last drop came hammering down. My nerves tell me my cheeks are reddening- the sensation of numbness surges through my exposed skin. Harder and harder it pours, pelting down on me like blistering needles- burning from the ominous clouds. I sigh to myself as a means to relieve the tiring. The air exhausted from my mouth smokes, dissipating into endless mist and cold.  
  
After the passing of several more minutes, my hands wriggle and tighten- feeling rather sore. It's difficult to hold onto the wheel because of the resistance in the metal cord, and the handle to this mechanism itself is dripping wet and tarnished. Since the handle is pulling in the conflicting direction to which I am holding the awning in place, the handle is wearing on the flesh of my palm and joints- a distinct imprint of the handle marking itself on me. I notice my hands are turning into a feverish shade of pink, and my hair is matted down from the on-going shower. My clothing- like Kurama's- absorbed much liquid and was quadrupled in heaviness. It's alright. I'll wait. 


	10. Broken Chapter 10

Broken: Part Ten "Recollection II" 5/25/00 By: Hikari Notes: I would like to dedicate parts nine and ten to my friends (including those I know via e-mail. You know who you are). Although my real life friends don't read my work- I find I should still devote these parts to them for being there whenever I needed them. Likewise, I will do the same for them. The ties that hold friends together are so precious, every memory we make is meant to be re-opened again in our minds to enjoy. Although time separates us by miles and miles, whether by moving or by becoming an adult, the bonds that we have can never be lost. They are forever locked in our love. All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
A blue Mitsubishi pulls up to the driveway, tires rivering paths in the enormous pools of water. Headlights were aglow, blazing intensely into the pitch-black fog. The windshield wipers were at their strongest, vigorously smearing away the large drops- which were descending from the overly pregnant clouds. Kurama straightens from his poise, and starts for the passenger seat. At the same time, I am thankful to finally let go of the metal bar. The components click, and the cable winds-in with loud whirls.  
  
As Kurama opens the door to his seat, I see it's my only chance to get into the car as well. Like hell you're going to leave me out here. I'll blow the tires out first if that's what it takes!  
  
I blur to the opening door and slide inside. Then, I struggle to get into the backseats. If Kurama's arm going through my abdomen can cause me to bleed, I don't know what him accidentally sitting on me will do- God forbid I'll be squashed by a ningen body. As luck may have it, my foot gets caught in between the two headrests. My weight brings me forward, and I land in a heap in the leather seats. DAMN IT! All that crappy training from Mukuro and I can't even keep myself from getting my foot get trapped in between two stupid chairs! Since when did I get so inept? No, I won't answer that.  
  
"Oi! You okay? Sorry I took so long- it's so dark I couldn't find the right street."  
  
Kurama fastens his seatbelt, smoothing the strap to his comfort. "It's alright, I'm not that wet. It's just fortunate that an awning happened to open over my head."  
  
Yusuke ran his fingers through his long bangs; they falling playfully back into place. "What awning?"  
  
"Huh?" My friend rotates his head, and is stunned to learn that the sunshade was folded. Surprise. surprise. you've got a half-drowned demon watching over your backs.  
  
Yusuke waits for an answer, but then kindly shakes off the mystery. "Yea- well, it doesn't really matter now. The important thing is to get out of here before we have to build another arc." Taking the car out of neutral, we steer out of the plaza. I look back to where Kurama and I stood- through a smoggy window. Reaching to wipe the glass, my hand immediately retreats from the icy touch.  
  
"Kurama? Mind putting that C.D. in for me?"  
  
He shuffles through Yusuke's opened duffle bag. "You mean this one?" He answers after fishing out a clear-cased disc. The other only nods, and Kurama slips the disc into the player. Soon after, the whole automobile was raging with.  
  
"Wow, even when it's raining you still like to listen to techno?" The redhead sweat drops, smiling nervously at Yusuke's selection of music at a time like this. I'm not at all surprised- really I half anticipated it. Nothing can tear this guy away from himself. Never afraid to speak his mind, never dreading being looked down upon. This is he, an individual. I've seen so many stereotypes in the human world. It's dim-witted. All that is vital is image. Almost everyone in the race is a copy. Nothing, but clones. There are few that appreciate their uniqueness, but these few are the ones ostracized by society. The village scapegoats. Fortuitously, my friends ARE a part of those few- and we have come to recognize each other for what we are worth. What is the importance of image compared to self? If simply, I could bear with whom I am- I would, by no means, have no tribulations regarding the loss of my consciousness to the world.  
  
"Yea! Keeps me from falling asleep over the wheel!"  
  
Alright. NOW I'm nervous.  
  
Kurama chuckles uneasily, tightening his restraint and locking the doors. "You have. air bags right?"  
  
"Course! What do you take me for? A dropout?"  
  
More nervous. I'm such a hypocrite. I've been in this place for so long, I've developed an orthodox way of thinking aimed at assumed stupidity. I hate psychological contradiction.  
  
"Eh. right." Green irises gaze out his side, evidently trying to forget the recent conversation for the better of his sake. "So." He begins. "How are you and Keiko-san?"  
  
"Fine. I guess. She's just so moody."  
  
"It's normal- she probably just wants more time with you."  
  
Yusuke shrugs, and the C.D. shifts into a different track:  
  
Do you think you're better off alone? Do you think you're better off alone?  
  
Do you think you're better off alone? Do you think you're better off alone?  
  
Talk to me.. Ooo. Talk to me.  
  
*****  
  
This wasn't the first time I was conned into coming here. This place. it's so loud, and the continuous flashing of multicolored lasers was giving me a migraine. Still. the bar here makes up for it. At the moment, I'm in a booth- by myself. The others are on the dance floor, moving with no shame to the beat. The beat. the beat was fast and pounding. The vibrations traveled straight from the flooring to the chairs, stools, and tables- my glass rattling. Women were wearing the skimpiest attire I had ever seen. Showing off their skin, short skirts and strapless tops threatening to entice the opposite sex into the bed. On the opposite side of the line, men are clothed in crisp shirts and sport coats. Pointless. They would just remove those articles from perspiration and temptation. So this is a rave: beams, strobes, a mirror ball, a dark room, mindless dancing, and. the reason why I came again. alcohol.  
  
I stare idly at the small shooter of sake. This was my twenty-third shot. After drinking this one, I can complete the formation of my pyramid made of stacked cups. The glass was cool, melted ice brimming the edges. Inside it was yellow, or auburn. It looks so good, I feel myself drooling from the inside. But before I had a chance to chug the liquor down- someone slams his palm down on my shoulder.  
  
"WHAT?!" I snap.  
  
Yusuke steps back, hands raised to his chest in case of the need of defense. "Whoa. I was just gonna' ask you if you wanted to join us." He thumbs over his shoulder- pointing towards the stage. "Common' it's great!"  
  
An indignant smirk makes its way across my face. "I pass."  
  
The gigantous grin on his lips wilts. Serenely, my ally takes the seating on the other side of the booth- his body bouncing slightly due to the cushions and springs. He adjusts his posture, and leans across the table in a business-like manner: hands folded, façade solemn. The way Yusuke is looking at me makes sweat drip down my back- gradually sopping into my brusque blue shirt. My eyes move back to the shooter, right hand lingering after it.  
  
"You've been drinking a lot of that lately." He interrupts, and my hand withdraws.  
  
"So?" I look up to him again, and I am shaken to find that his deep brown eyes haven't left my face for a second.  
  
"So you've been drinking more than my Kaasan has. That's a lot of sake Hiei."  
  
"You're not finished." I retort coldly. "Don't stop if you have more to say than that."  
  
Yusuke responds patiently, not in the least bit insulted or provoked from what I had just said. "You've also been getting really thin- your clothes can work as a parachute if you jumped off a cliff. There's hardly any flesh on you, how long has it been from the time when you've last eaten?"  
  
Honestly, I can't remember.  
  
"Can you answer that Hiei?"  
  
I could, but I don't wish to. If I told, you wouldn't believe me. "What are you interrogating me for? Shouldn't you be with your girlfriend? Or Botan?"  
  
An uncomfortable silence settles between us. What's making it more awkward was the fact that Yusuke hadn't blink or budged from his position in the last fifteen minutes. I don't know exactly why, but at that moment I felt as though I were pinned down in a corner. Ensnared by chains- imprisoned by irises, like the worst possible misstep nature could make. A freak. I wanted to look away. NO. I wanted HIM to stop staring at me like that. Yusuke's vision was delving deep into me- unraveling the secrets and feelings I held within. DAMN YOU YUSUKE! Don't look at me like that! I can't stand it!  
  
"Stop staring at me." What I spoke came out to be a frail whisper, more willingly than a demand.  
  
"I would. but there's not much of you left to stop gazing at in the first place."  
  
"Don't be smart."  
  
"I'm not- I'm just telling you what I can see." He then left the booth.  
  
My whole body is shivering, and the temperature abruptly fell. I feel. naked. stripped. raped. Insecure fingers push the shooter away, and I wrap myself with my own arms. I can't quit shaking, and my tongue is becoming salty- bitter. I drag my form out of the seating, pathetically limping away to a nearby exit. As I struggle to get to the heavy door, the entire room was spiraling and appeared undulated. It takes much exertion to carry on holding my frame up- and even more to push the door open. Getting outside, into a steamy and damp alley- I hang on to the brick wall to help my support. I can hear myself huffing, with sweat banding over my forehead. With my left arm I clutch onto my stomach. Spine stiffening, I regurgitate blood and mucus- the stench of alcohol following suit. Never before had I thrown-up as much as this; I was beginning to get afraid I would also start to vomit my organs because there was nothing left to disgorge. I even remember walking past a man in the street who accused me to be a sufferer of anorexia- he would have been closer if he had said bulimia.  
  
"What's. going. on.?" I cry, still having not sojourned. The exit I went out through opens, and footfalls set out to where I am.  
  
"Hiei.?"  
  
When I turn to see whom it is- my balance is lost and I fall forward. However, I didn't hit the ground- someone caught me.  
  
***  
  
My head throbs, and bit by bit my eyesight was focusing altogether. The surroundings are unfamiliar to me. I'm in a small room- wooden floor, one window, my body rested on a futon and covered with an old blanket. There is no light, other than the moon's rays- bathing the quarters hues of silver and steel. The air conditioning was the only noise emitted at the time- air passing from the vents, sometimes pulsating the bolts.  
  
"You sweated your fever out, I think you'll be fine now. That is, if you put something in that tummy."  
  
A ringing sound ran continuously in my eardrums, the sentence was perceived jarred and unnatural. My head shifts to where I heard the voice; neck being so rigid- wincing was no option. "Yusuke?"  
  
He reaches over and grabs the soaked towel from my brow, flinging it carelessly into a large bowl. "None other, you got totally smashed. It's a good thing you're not as vulnerable to booze as Kuwabara is- otherwise you'd be dancing on the pool tables."  
  
Closing my eyes, I rest my forearm over my head. "Don't compare me to him."  
  
"You're right- nothing to compare."  
  
Yusuke knows I'm confining a smile, and the very thought of that makes him lift a corner of his mouth. He understands me a little too well- and somehow I find that it disturbs me. "Have you been watching over me?"  
  
"Only for two and a half hours. I don't know what healthy youkai temperature is- but there's no question that you were burning up. I was tempted to fry an egg on you."  
  
I raise my arm to glance at him. "You were keeping a vigil on me for that long? What time is it?"  
  
He laughs quietly, for once, back leaning against the pale wall- head drawn upwards. "3:45 A.M. Had to carry you to my car and leave the rave early."  
  
The ceiling became my new vista after that statement. "I ruined your night."  
  
"Nah." He shrugs, fumbling with his tie to loosen it. "I go to clubs all the time- my feet could use a break." His attention relocates fully onto me, and again I feel out of place. Yusuke good-humoredly punched me on the shoulder. That wasn't good; from doing this he cracked all four of his knuckles. "And you could gain weight. if not height."  
  
"Why do you care about what happens to me? If you've forgotten, I nearly killed you." Absently, I toy with a free strand of thread from the red and white checkered quilt.  
  
"You're too harsh on yourself."  
  
"You think so?" I yank the string, and toss it aside.  
  
"Hiei. that was more than six years ago!"  
  
"How does THAT change anything?"  
  
"Now look who's the one interrogating." Chestnut irises roll contemptuously.  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Alright, alright. I know it's not good to mess around with someone's head after a hangover." Yusuke says, waving his hand as a mock apology.  
  
"Not only do you crack jokes at the most inane moments, but you also know how to rub it in."  
  
"Well, that just shows I care."  
  
"Now we're back to the question I started you with."  
  
"Not exactly, your first question was 'was I watching over you and what time is it?'"  
  
Teeth grit. "Don't make me think in circles- give me a straight answer before I recover and do away with you."  
  
This half-human, half-demon waits a while to intense the melodrama. I'm too exhausted to complain, and Yusuke is using this to his advantage. Very well, I'll wait too. You're not the only one who can play this game. Hell, I invented this game! He grins to himself, shaking his head all knowingly- scruffy strands swaying in sync. Sighing, Yusuke then taps his fingers on the floor in a repeated beat: tap tap taptaptap, tap tap taptaptap. I chew on my lip disdainfully- he wants me to go insane!  
  
At last, he answers: "You can't get too far on your own, Hiei. At the same time, you can't get too far with the help of everyone. Kurama told you this once right?"  
  
A mellow 'yes' was the reply.  
  
"That's why there's friendship. True friends help each other, but they don't interfere with another's own life and goals. Friends can only do so much- yet it's THAT much that can make things all the more better. OH SHIT! I sound like Belldandy from Oh! My Goddesses!" He smacks his forehead, palm rubbing down and stretching his face to weird proportions.  
  
Out of nowhere, I let out a weak laugh. "You're becoming 'frilly' Yusuke."  
  
"Do you think it's from hangin' out with Shiori-san?"  
  
"You're changing the subject."  
  
Yusuke groans in defeat. "Even after all that you're still aware of everything- that scares me Hiei."  
  
Unemotionally, I bat my lids. It actually hurts to keep them open- all the nerves and veins in my head feel strained to the limit. "You're doing it again. What's the point of your speech?"  
  
"If you put it that way- I'm just saying I consider you a friend. At the very least an ally."  
  
Another 'Hn.' What Yusuke told me kept me thinking for the next half- hour. A friend? How can he say that? I never did him any real favors. did I? I continued speculating at this, until it dawned on me that my companion hadn't left the room nor did he go to sleep. "Don't you have to go to bed by now?"  
  
"Ssshh. If I'm wasted tonight, I have a perfectly good excuse to skip classes tomorrow."  
  
"You may have matured, but your academic ethics haven't evolved. That brunette girl, Keiko, will beat the crap out of every pore on your sorry body."  
  
"She'll understand if you cooperate with me."  
  
Yusuke's plan was clear. I play the sick sick sick fool, and Yusuke gets to be the model 'pal who will help a person in need'. How lazy he is. Quite ironic that this is the very same man who saved the living world a little over a hundred times. Why not? If I don't go along with his play- I'd be in debt to his 'assistance'. Might as well pay back now, I may never find another chance to do so. "When you finally marry her, none of your deceptions will work."  
  
"ME? Marry HER?!" He yells incredulously. "No way, I'm the king of bachelorism."  
  
"You idiot." He just doesn't realize. Besides he's still only. what? Twenty-one?  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing." I avert my head from the ceiling to the wall. ".idiot."  
  
*****  
  
The car went into a standstill, and to our approval- the raining subsided into sprinkles. The thick mist around us thinned in layer, and the sidewalk to Kurama's dormitory could be seen plainly. Kurama un-buckles his belt, grabs his books, and prepares to depart. Just as he was about open the door, he turns to nod curtly and smile. "Thanks for everything Yusuke."  
  
I watch him exit the vehicle and make his way to the building leisurely. Yusuke, I notice, does the same and as soon as Kurama was out of sight- the engine starts and we are out of the academy.  
  
"Yes, Yusuke. Thank-you for everything." 


	11. Broken Chapter 11

Broken: Part 11 "Mukuro" 6/10/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: I won't let this drag on forever; all parts have significance. I never write something for nothing ( or at least I try not to () ) All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
When the storm stopped, I left my stay at Yusuke's apartment, and set forth for Makai. To do this, I had to phase gates onto the next world. However, the beings in both Reikai and the Makai took no notice in me. Even to them, I am invisible. Not that they would have helped me much in the first place, therefore it really made no difference. Still, I am hoping to find some sort of answer or at least clue about my sudden erasure. The most likely resolution to everything, is that I am dead. Yet, there is not enough evidence to prove this.  
  
Walking through the thick and lush marshes, I hear a long stream of profanity coming from the springs. My hands brush away the long-standing blades of grass, a few of them whipping across my shoulders, nose, and cheeks- tickling them. Straining to see across the pond, my vision falls upon a tall, wiry woman. Thin, albeit, well-built and composed. Her ginger colored hair was combed all to one side, and her body was covered with scars. Two of her limbs were metal, one right arm and the top half of her left leg. This person undoubtedly was Mukuro. She was stark naked and solitary, apparently washing herself. She holds onto a rock, putting great endeavor into avoiding getting her handicaps rusted. Mukuro fails, and slips, water splashing in vast upsurges. When the water settles, ripples only moving, she fists the water fiercely and screams out of aggravation. Mukuro labors over this all the time, such a simple task- to her is the most difficult part of the day. Calming down, she just sits there, looking deeply into her reflection in the lake. Her face filled with remorse.  
  
*****  
  
I looked around, making sure there is no one to spy on me. Finding that all is clear, I hide within the turf and remove a dagger; which was secreted inside a fold in my pants. Drawing it out, the mid-day sun of this world tracing over its lethal edge, I slide it against the inside of my arm. I feel the warmth of my blood trickle and coat over my skin. Quite a bit of it dropping onto the green, making the plants droop from the weight. The knife moves from mid-arm, to my wrist. Straightening it, I dig into my main veins, sometimes screwing the tip around. The heat of the blood turns cool, and my nerves are damaged to the point I couldn't feel anything. The sensation of red leaving my body is queer. There is no throbbing, no stinging, or any sort of pain. I just sense liquid abandoning my body, through a hole or through a long slit. That's all it is. leaking.  
  
The grass beneath me crunches as I lay back. I squirm around for a while, until I found a position where the itching was subtle. The light from the sun masks my chilled face, and the blood, which had swathed my broken tissues, dried and altered into brown. The seeping from my self- inflicted wounds slowed; I sat-up again to hide the cuts with my bandages.  
  
This day was coming to a close, so I decided to head back into Mukuro's strong hold. My boots squished as a walked over the semi-wet marshes. If I hadn't been so despondent, I would have taken the time to acknowledge that it was a pleasant day. Instead, I merely walked on, head concentrating on my own footsteps. Each pace, I observe, had my foot sucked into mud. Every time my foot went down, so did the earth, and water ran over my boots. When my foot went up, so did the plant life, and the water retreated into its designated place- the springs. Even though I haven't eaten for the longest period of time, am I still so heavy to you?  
  
"DAMN IT!" At this, a flock of birds took flight, squawking noisily and getting a hold of my interest.  
  
"Argh! How I hate this!"  
  
I change my coarse in direction completely, and carefully moved my way down the ravine to the pool. I nearly lost my foothold, but catch myself by snagging a hand onto a close tree trunk. The individual at the bottom hears the rustling, and peers in between the long stalks of bamboo- sapphire orbs shimmering. Long fingers pull the shoots apart, bending them far away and un-curtaining her slender face.  
  
"Oh, it's you. You're becoming rather clumsy these days." She utters in a deliberate monotone.  
  
"Hn. You're not exactly very graceful at the moment either- eat your words."  
  
"That's only because I'm bathing."  
  
"If you can call it that."  
  
"Shut up!" Mukuro releases the bamboo, the tan leaves thrashing, and turns back to her business. Through the brush, I can still tell she is struggling to stand without getting the metal part of her thy wet. At the same time, she uses a sponge with her left hand to rinse the rest of herself off. Naturally, it was strenuous for her to reach behind her back, and to other various parts of her form. In some way, this woman's quandary heartens me. I feel. pity.  
  
"By the time you've sponged down the soap, it will be nightfall."  
  
Mukuro snorts arrogantly, determined not to let my grotesque comments stab through her. It earns a small quantity of admiration. " Well, it's not like I'm not used to it. Go back to camp, you should turn-in before I lose my temper."  
  
Advancing forward, until the chilling water arrived at my waist, I peek through the stalks, hands proceeding to thrust them apart so I may walk through. "Whether you like it or not- you're going to get help."  
  
Her head whisks around, jagged hair temporarily flying through a breeze like flames. "What ever happened to privacy?"  
  
"I spared you that question when you glued me back together six or seven years ago." I motion the suggestion for her to sit on a large rock peaking out of the lake. As I had expected, she scowls and wraps her yellow towel around her figure before she props on the stone. As disgruntled as she was, Mukuro shoves the sponge into my palms so forcefully I just barely kept from hurling rearward. She's a humor, especially when she's angry. Her close encounters to self-combustion were all I needed to crack a smirk. Now, that sentiment was lost. I hardy blink at her outbursts anymore.  
  
"It's not so often you show compassion." She whispers, as I swab the back of her arm. From there, I lifted the locks from behind the nape of her neck, and then washed her whole back. So many scars. draped about her once perfect ivory skin. Regardless of the known that these were old wounds, Mukuro's skin still flaked and peeled. At times, it even blemished or reddened.  
  
"Lift your arm, I need to get the underside." Mukuro grunts gruffly, and holds her nose to the air. Still, she unwillingly obeyed.  
  
"Don't treat me like a child."  
  
I said nothing, and lathered soap until it foamed and bubbled. Later, I water it off by squeezing and wringing the dab. Consequently, blood mingled with the wash and oozed onto the lake's plane. In reaction to this, I cringe over the nipping of cleanser. I glance at the fold of my arm. Scarlet was splotching the binding, streaming out and dying the tattered strips of cloth almost fully.  
  
"What the DEVIL?!?!" Mukuro takes my arm and swings me in front of her- so quickly, I hardly remembered being behind her. Holding my arm in place, she unravels the bandage swiftly and tosses it aside- the wind catching it and taking it away from the upcoming dispute. "You're bleeding like HELL!!! Where did this come from?!?!"  
  
"Training." I lied bluntly.  
  
Her head snaps up, rage vacillating in her voice. "DON'T lie to me!!! I HATE lies!" She examines the slashes once more. "You did this to yourself didn't you?!"  
  
The exclamation was more of a statement than a question. I refused to answer her, so I looked away and allowed her to bitch all she wanted. In the place of what I've been hearing for who knows how long- she gave me something akin to a judicious lecture. "You bastard! If you dared to have done such a thing... have no doubt in your mind that I shall never forgive you! How could you do this? Tearing your own body to shreds as though it were nothing, but mere rags! Do you know what it means to have a body?!?!"  
  
"Hn! I haven't poured acid over myself yet, have I?!"  
  
Mukuro's icy hand chokes my neck. I note that she's gripping me in a method that keeps her nails from slicing my throat. She hauls my face to her level, until our lashes fluttered against each other- and I found myself lost in her eyes. How angry they are, stormy and ready to strike a flash of violent lightning. Her teeth grinded until I thought they would turn into powder.  
  
"I had put up with your wise-cracks before, but for what you have just said- you are nothing. NOTHING but a whole world of endless SHIT!!!" I assumed her hissing had ended right there, however, she continued by throwing me back. I fell into the water, it invading into my lungs and breath. Slowly, I resurface- coughing and spitting. Mukuro was already on shore, starring me down with the spite I so rightfully deserved.  
  
"I would have predicted this from any of the others in my army. but not you." She spoke softly that time, tragedy hinting around every word. Her demeanor was no longer hard and firm, it was willowy and gave the impression that she had been beaten over and over. Mukuro swallowed. Swallowed her tears, her hurt, and her indignity. "Not from you." Spinning on her heel, she walked away at a small fox's pace.  
  
All my limbs went paralyzed. I hurt her. I had hurt another friend.  
  
*****  
  
That was a long time ago. I never found the courage to talk to her outside of warfare after the incident. I couldn't bring myself to her face, nor was I ever able to apologize. Mukuro never expelled me from her military though. She still kept me. Yet, the understanding towards each other we once shared was crushed. Obliterated. I couldn't look at her, and she couldn't look at me. She no longer spoke to me in her usual way, her demanding nonetheless warm way. Rather, she spoke coldly- soullessly. There were no laughs, no smirks, or retorts. Her bionic arm and leg were not a part of her anymore. SHE became a part of THEM. I didn't just hurt her. I KILLED her. I. killed. Mukuro. 


	12. Broken Chapter 12

Broken: Part Twelve "Self-persecution" 6/19/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: none.  
  
*****  
  
I'm back here. I have nowhere to go, with no one to help me. Absolutely NO ONE. This human world, filled with buildings and highways, cars and whatever other type of technology they can come-up with. The true earth has been hushed by the mindless stresses of livelihood. I don't like it. I never have, and I don't think I ever will. Given this, I am surprised to find myself amidst silence. What I had grown somewhat used to, was expunged and everything around was 'dormant' or frozen in space.  
  
I wind in and out of automobiles, motorcycles, and even strolling pedestrians. The crows that were a flutter in the park I pass, were also suspended in mid-air. Ebony feathers that had come undone, levitated. Reaching up, my hand picks one of the soft quills. I rub the feather in between the joints of my fingers- the fine feel of the hairs practically melting into my touch. Bringing it to level with my face, my left hand fastening onto the other end, I bend the spine- snapping the quill in two. All spines to feathers, I know, are hollow. But when I had done this, dark dark blood -as dark as ink- dripped from the cavity. The blood splotched the white concrete, expanding far and surrounding where I stood. My hands. they feel warm and sticky. I raise them up. They are completely drenched in thick red.  
  
"No. no.. NO MORE BLOOD ON MY HANDS!" My voice echoed into the void. Filled with disparity and rueful. Wary fingers drop the object, two halves falling- the sound of them coming to meet the asphalt arrive as a loud PANG. Piercing my ears, making them gush with bleeding. "Augh."  
  
Palms move to cover the sides of my head. As this happened, my jagan impulsively opened. The heat my third eye radiated burned straight through the ward on my brow. The eye beats hard- to the extent blood spurts from the minute slits of the unlocked lids. I sense the warmth of it river directly to my mouth- me inadvertently lapping at the spill. If all this were not enough, I begin to hear voices. They are taunting, ethereal, raspy, and swaying.  
  
Come join us.  
  
You know you have nothing here. come with us.  
  
Death comes as equally as birth.Why not die now?  
  
.You don't belong in this place.  
  
Those voices. they were haunting me. I made a dash to force them out of my mind. But I cannot. The voices were following me, plaguing me with their words. The sounds of them were as though the owners of the whispering had more than just one cord in their throat- mutated. I keep on running, running away from something that I couldn't see- something that was inside of me. They won't leave. They just won't leave.  
  
Who are you?  
  
What is your name?  
  
Is it Hiei? It's Hiei isn't it?  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" I grasp harder onto my head- beads of sweat dripping from my wisps of hair that were threaded all over my stained fingers. "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!" I shake my head from side to side- perspiration gliding out into the air. "STOP!! STOP!! PLEASE STOP!!!"  
  
Are you afraid Hiei?  
  
You should be.  
  
Who are you anyway?  
  
Who is Hiei?  
  
My feet continue to move, so quickly and so distraughtly- I felt my own soles burn from the friction. Letting go of my head, I bang on every single door. Metal, wooden, glass- every one of them. nothing missed. I wanted to hide, to escape. get away from these voices. They. were. hurting. me.  
  
Who is Hiei?  
  
Giving up on the doors, I try to shatter the windows to any shop, restaurant, and stand I could find. Throwing a strong blow at one- my hand bounces off the glass. It was as if my strike were a mere pat. I didn't even fracture the clear sheet.  
  
Who is Hiei?  
  
Keep on running. I tell myself. Keep on running. Push them out of your head.  
  
I run up cobblestone steps, my boots 'clicking' as I went. Reaching two enormous doors, handles dipped in white gold- I heave as much as I can. The doors actually opened, revealing an equally enormous housing- filled with pews and red carpeting filing all the way down to the front and center of the entire building. Moving on, I can't run anymore. Instead, I limped slowly- exhausted and totally done in. There was no one here, and the whispering unexpectedly faded. This building. it's so white and clean. The atmosphere was cool and at rest. The only disturbance made was my very own breathing; which huffed and coughed exasperatedly. Progressing to the front, I come face to face. with a large, towering. cross. A man, brutally scourged and wounded was nailed upon it. His head was adorn with horrible thorns- like a crown. I recognize this man. I've seen him before- in pictures and statues, books and paintings.  
  
Climbing onto the alter, my grip wrinkling and ruining the fine purple cloth lain on top of it- my lips quiver as I proceed to yell out the question that I asked so many times before:  
  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!"  
  
Tears prick my eyes, as slashes drive their way out of nowhere- all over my arms, legs, back, chest, and even face. I couldn't keep my self from falling to my knees. My own blood was enveloping the whole of my body. It ran down from my limbs, sometimes spouting from underneath my nail beds- creating pools which were kept intact by the folds of the expensive material I kneeled on. No. not even like this I can hold myself up. Therefore, I am compelled to fall to my side and roll onto my back. My back. was clammy, and the residue of perspiration and my loss made me cling against the cold marble. The glimmering of sun that went through the stained glass skylight- projected a broken-up rainbow onto my face. My breathing. it slows. and I can faintly see through my half-closed lids.  
  
Abruptly, hot thin liquid splashes against my dried lips. Struggling to increase my vision without blinding myself- I try to focus as more hot liquid- salty liquid- dollops into my mouth. As everything clears. it looks like it is raining inside the edifice. It wasn't rain.however. it was tears. Water spilled forth from the statues- from the angels, the cross, eleven men, and one woman. The statues were set inside indentations in the highest points of the lengthened walls- all of them at the center where I lay battered.  
  
"What do you want from me.? Why are you doing this to me. Can you not." Without warning, my voice cracks. "Can you not. let me die?"  
  
Great indescribable anguish rushes throughout my form, I am too tired to scream- so when my mouth opened nothing came out. The pain intensifies, very much like the feeling of being covered by leaches. Parts of me involuntarily jerk and twitch. I suck in, but the air that entered seemed to have clawed its way into my lungs- for blood was forced out orally. So much of it, my hair is dampened and face veiled. The scores on my backside deadened all feeling externally, but internally there was immense heat and sore. I have been whipped at every angle, enough to make my clothes entirely saturated.  
  
The thick red would not desiccate. It was going to stay on me. forever and ever. it would never dry up and chip away.  
  
My eyes close, and I begin to weep- softly this time. I clutch the fabric beneath me, as a means to level the grief. Then, a voice - in difference to the ones before: a very sweet and velvety voice- spoke into my ear. I know that I wasn't hearing her in my mind, because the heat from her breath blew delicately. soothingly. against my ear.  
  
"Mortal and deceived men, what are you doing? For what purpose are you living? Do you realize what it is to see God face to face, and to participate in his eternal glory and share his company? Of what are you thinking? Who has thus disturbed and fascinated your judgment? What will you seek, if once you have lost this true blessing and happiness, since there is no other? The labor is short, the reward is infinite glory, and the punishment is eternal." 


	13. Broken Chapter 13

Broken: Part Thirteen "Final Recollection. So Many Regrets." 6/29/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: none.  
  
*****  
  
I walk down the aisle, my boots rubbing against the soft fibers of the red carpeting- at times, leaving streaks along the plane. I paid little or no attention to my surroundings for they meant of no great concern to me. Treading down to the front-most pew, I stuff my hands into my pockets and shrug as I find him here again. He was sitting properly as usual, a thick aged book in hands- fingers turning the pages with caution for the paper was wilted and bent on corner. The binding was virtually non-existent as the pages were attached to the cover only by several loose threads. What an old and trashy book.  
  
"Reading that thing again?" I speak up, my voice literally yanking Kurama out of his trance- causing his head to shoot up and nearly lose his fingering.  
  
"Uh. yes" He answered nonchalantly, fixing the paperback on his lap. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I dropped by your place, but you weren't in your room."  
  
"Oh. how did you find me then?"  
  
Rolling my eyes, I point all-knowingly with my index finger right to my forehead. "I didn't want to use it for something as trivial as this. but."  
  
Out of instinct, I stopped myself. I know this feeling. It was a feeling where everything inside me felt dry and sour. It was happening again. I needed to confide. yet. I wouldn't - no- couldn't open myself up like that. Yes, I felt ashamed- I wasn't the type to go looking around for someone just to talk self-interestedly. For an instant I was mentally arguing with my consciousness as to whether or not I should consult with my friend. It wasn't as though I hadn't spoken to him before- no, of course not. The topic I had in mind, however, was a different story.  
  
"But.?" He continued.  
  
"Uh." I turn my head away. " Never mind. it's not that important."  
  
"Are you sure?" Kurama asked, head cocked to the side revealing concern. "You went all this way so."  
  
"It's nothing. Forget about it."  
  
My back was turned to him now, and I can feel his stare drift from the top to the bottom of my frame. He was analyzing me again. I hate it when he does that. Just by looking at me from behind- he can decode my emotions before I can utter a word. With him. I have no need in communication. I begin to walk away.  
  
"Wait a second Hiei."  
  
I stop. From the rear, I am aware of his shuffling out of the bench and following my tracks. Soon, his hand rests on my shoulder- I wait for him to say something.  
  
"I'm done with my reading. We can stay here to talk if you want. No one will hear us."  
  
Part of me, with no coherent reason, snaps. "What is it with you and this place anyway?"  
  
"Huh?" Kurama's palm leaves my shoulder as I turn to face him.  
  
"You've been coming here a lot these days. what's so special about this building?"  
  
His red eyebrows twitched with curiousness. "What do you mean Hiei?"  
  
The blood in my right hand runs cold, and I find that it is secretly balling into a fist beneath my garments. Don't play innocent with me, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about. "I mean what I said."  
  
"This building.?" My friend looks up and scans all of the ceiling. "Nothing. nothing really. It's just a place I like to go to. Besides, my mother got married here- I guess I have some sentiment for it."  
  
"You and your sentiment." I hiss under my breath.  
  
"Hiei." Bottle green eyes flicker. "What's your problem?"  
  
"I already told you to forget it." My feet move to get out of here. it's too clean for the likes of me anyhow. My breath will probably slaughter the roses.  
  
I stride past the statues, past the angels, and leave the damned building. However, another statue at the exit attracts my attention. Discontinuing for only a second- I examine it. It was a woman. Dressed in airy and overflowing clothing- all in blue and white, face innocent and motherly, manifestation. heartbreaking. Her deep oceany eyes were aimed only at me. She was looking down, from the small marble column she was rested on. This woman. she looked to be near tears. she was ready to cry. What was she doing? Did she pity me? No! No one should have pity on me! I tear my gaze away. Stare at my footsteps- don't look at anything else, I tell myself. My march hastens and I push the heavy door to finally escape. Finishing the steps, no more outside interruptions are made to hold me back. The dull sound of pacing races towards me, and I refuse to turn around.  
  
Why am I acting this way? I have no motive to be angry with him. do I? What could it be then? Was I so lonely that I couldn't stand to have my only faithful friend have his own interests? How could I be so jealous? Do I really feel so. unloved?. Uncared for?  
  
"Hiei! Hiei!" Kurama's call was broken up by his gasping of air. "Matte!"  
  
No. I won't wait. You have other things on your mind- I'm just bothering you. As I persist in my avoidance, my friend's trot quickens to the point he managed to catch up with me- and spin me around to prevent me from going further.  
  
"Look." He says, hands holding me in place- his eyes fixated on my scowl. "I don't know what is going on with you any more. and you know what? I'm getting really tired of trying to figure it out! Just talk to me! It's better than drinking yourself under the table!"  
  
My head shifts from the sidewalk to catch a glimpse as to where we were. We had stopped at a street bridge, which tracked over a moderate sized river. It was the afternoon, so the road we were at was absolutely vacant- the two of us were the only standing souls. Eyes then fly to Kurama's jacket- over the breast to the left. It bulged visibly. the book was there.  
  
Crossly, I gruffly shake away his touch- my fingertips probing into his coat and fishing out the tattered scraps. Before my friend could even come close to stop me- I take out my canister and poured the liquor on it. Then, without any consideration as to Kurama's feelings- my hand engulfs the book in a burst of flames, later throwing it out as far as I could into the water. That being done- I cross my arms, lean against the railing, and close my eyes. "You're wasting your time."  
  
Those words came out to be a lot colder than I would have anticipated.  
  
Kurama grips the rail, palms rubbing against the metal in order to keep the urge of strangling me under control. He sighs, and when my irises move to see his demeanor- he appears not exactly angry, but more along the lines of disappointed. "Time is what we have." He whispers. The redhead loosens from the fence. "Well. you did it Hiei. my attention can only be centered around you now. What did you want to talk to me about?"  
  
Heat rises to my face, I have to move several feet away from him so that I would be able to speak. Be that as it may, I also needed to block my face from his. My lips stirred, but I had a difficult time articulating the words. "Do you."  
  
"Do I what?" He seemed to be on his last strings of tolerance, no surprise.  
  
"I mean. do I.?"  
  
"Well," Kurama pushed. "You went through all that trouble to get me to listen to you. say it."  
  
My arms left their stiff position, and went to embrace myself without being seen. I tried to speak again, but all the words were drained. Guilt from what did was hanging over my head, and it punished me by knotting my tongue. I didn't want to ask anymore. I just wanted to get out of this situation. If only I could run away. crumple up and disappear. But no matter how much I wished for it to happen. I remained immobile and whole. "I. do you want. I."  
  
I sensed Kurama's patience, as thick as it was, ultimately run thin and to the raw bone. "Kurama. do. you. want me to stop. coming to you.?"  
  
"What.?" My friend's condition lightened. he saw me shuddering.  
  
"Would. it be better. if I left you alone.? If I left. everyone alone.?. If I never came. NEVER came back again.? Would. it be easier. Would it be easier if. no one knew me in the first place?"  
  
"Hiei."  
  
"I never meant much to anyone. I was just there. Would it be better if I disappeared all together.? What's the point of being here.? Kurama. I don't. I don't have. I don't have anything." Forcing my eyelids to pinch hard against each other- the tears that had to come out were suppressed. "Do you know. how it feels.? To wake up. everyday to nothing?  
  
After a long pause, I apprehend the fact that he couldn't reply. If he couldn't reply. if he couldn't answer me. Did he want me to leave? As extreme as my pride was, deep down. I could not deny that I was hoping he wouldn't turn me down. Kurama was the last of the last. If he rejects me. that's the end of everything. Even now, though, my friend gave no response.  
  
"I'm not sure what to tell you. Hiei." The redhead starts at last. "You're my friend and I will do anything I can to help you, but. It appears that regardless of what kind of resolution I give you- you are left unsatisfied. To be truthful. well. frank. let me ask you this: would you appreciate the company of someone who sees himself as nothing. as worthless?"  
  
A diamond slides from my eye and courses down my cheek. The answer I was seeking for was within the question itself. The answer stung. 


	14. Broken Chapter 14

Broken: Part Fourteen "My Blood is Your Blood. Nothing in Between" 7/6/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: Language.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Little girl's voice: Why do we hurt ourselves?  
  
Man's voice: . Sometimes we don't like what's there.  
  
Then why do we hurt each other?  
  
. Sometimes we are nothing, nothing but selfish fools.. We have yet to learn.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
My body jolts as I am pulled back to the world from my reminisce. I shift slightly, and- because of my movement- cause several of my solidified gems to fall from the alter. Instead of 'clinking' onto the ground, they crashed and shattered at impact with the tiling. Sitting up, my arm immediately moves to my tender stomach to ease the pain. I look down, taken aback at the idea that my tears had become so cheap they no longer lived to their worth and expectations. With great effort, my arms heave me off of the marble, and feet step onto the ground gingerly. However, shock electrocutes my whole form, making me collapse to the ground. As I had landed on my palms, the powder from the smashed gems embed into my almost dead flesh. Quivering, I raise my hands to my face- gazing at the tiny pricks and holes scarred on me. Shutting my eyes and compressing my hands into firm fists, blood is pressured out- dripping and blotching the surface.  
  
"Is this what you want." I rasp. "Do you want everything to hurt me.?. I bring. enough hurt. to myself. You DON'T need to help me!" Knees cave in slightly as I make myself stand and swing to the cross. "DON'T GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING HELP!!!"  
  
My cursing echoes throughout the building, and more tears disperse- showering over me. Viciously, I shrug it off. The hot water wipes away the blood from my face and arms- even smoothing my hair down. Drips of it run from separate strands, washing the blood off from there as well. Still I frown. I don't care for over-romanticization from anyone- I don't need it, and I don't want it.  
  
"Go find someone else to cry over. if you're not crying for yourselves. Leave me. Don't you think I am undeserving? Contemptible? Don't cry over shit!" Warmth surrounds my eyes. hurtful warmth. "Don't cry. over shit like me."  
  
A door creaks open, and slowly- I turn around to see who it is. "Ku.Kurama.?"  
  
He silently closes the wooden door behind him, later meeting with a man all in black and with a white collar. My friend speaks to him, the elder nodding at his statements. Increasing my stare, I notice that grave concern crosses the other man's features- wrinkles forming at the corners and angles of his understanding face. He motions for Kurama to come to a room, I decide to follow.  
  
Hobbling from the front, I use the line of pews for support to make it to the back. The process of getting there was sluggish and tiresome- what a disgrace for the wielder of the kokuryhua to be so lame. so feeble. My feet drag themselves scruffily against the floor, and I can't prevent from panting at nearly every-other bench. Halfway there, I give way again- only to pull myself to continue further.  
  
When I finally reached the door to the room, I depended on the walls to keep me upright. I was perspiring so much that my fingering slipped around the round copper knob. Completely gripping around it, only then was I able to open the entrance and come inside. The lighting was fairly poor, as the only source of light came from a humble lamp set on a cedar wood table. Kurama was sitting on an armchair, the old man being across from him. The old man was hunched over, hands linked- covering the lower half of his facial appearance. Kurama, on the other end, had his face in his hands. devastated.  
  
"What's happening to me.father.?" He whispered. "Have I done wrong.?. Is it because I have never entirely devoted myself.?. Have a faulted so horribly.?"  
  
The 'father' unlocks his hands to smile affectionately. "No." He replies, eyes glistening through his bifocals from being moved by Kurama's words. "The only pain we can ever truly experience. is from what we do to ourselves."  
  
The redhead uncovers his pale face, his own hands shivering and wary. "What is it then.?"  
  
In response to my friend's question, the other signals for Kurama to bare his palms. His palms were dotted and smeared with blood. Feeling my eyes broaden, I rush closer- plunging down at the heel of Kurama's chair. More panting. I can merely glance upwards from this position.  
  
"Not only that." He added, carefully he unbuttoned the cuffs of his sleeves- rolling them up to view the numerous scars and slashes. As I look more intently, I recognize one of the wounds. There was a puncture at the inside fold of the elbow, a long drawn scar from there, and another deep puncture at the main vein in the wrist. Breathing heavily, I begin to undo the bandages at my left arm. The scars we had were identical- except Kurama's scars were fresh. His skin was purplish from the wound, muscles throbbing visibly. Did I. do this to you?  
  
"How. How do you feel when you experience these abrasions?"  
  
He lowered his head, scarlet bangs shadowing over his eyes. "It's not the wounds that actually hurt. father."  
  
The other blinks, just a little surprised. "Would you care to tell me about it. Perhaps I can. provide you with help. This is certainly not the stigmata, but there could be. maybe. another reason for this."  
  
"It's the feeling after. the feeling after these scalds appear that I suffer."  
  
"How. do you feel?"  
  
"It's. hard to describe. It's." Kurama looks away, startling me for he was now gazing downwards. towards me. right AT me. In his irises, I saw no reflection of myself- I saw only sadness. "It's like I have. lost something. something very important. It's the loss that is more aching than the physical pain. The feeling. it's almost like a cross with failure too. Did I do something wrong? Had I erred?"  
  
His voice was wavering, and one. one single tear of his, pours from his cheek and splashes on mine. Another tear? For me.? Why.?  
  
"I'm not very religious. father. but. I sense that a very familiar presence. simply disappeared. and. I don't know why, but. these days. it seems I have no one to talk to."  
  
"Are you that lonely.?"  
  
My friend nods weakly. "I lost something. and I'm afraid that I may never get it back."  
  
Kurama. you never forgot me? Did I bare that much significance to you.? I thought.  
  
After some contemplation, the father offers his insight. "It could be. you are enduring another's hurt."  
  
My hurt? My blood?  
  
"Why. is that?"  
  
The elder pats Kurama on the shoulder, squeezing it for comfort. "As I see it. the loss and the pain are one in the same. You are undergoing it yourself because you obviously mean something to a certain lost soul. the presence YOU feel is missing. Do you remember of a death that. what's the word? Stirred you?"  
  
This time, he shakes his head. "No. Not at all. Either way though. I think I'm slipping. I can't focus on anything anymore. Nothing seems to matter. I mean. what is life worth if you can't make the most of it? The best of it? I. I. don't know. I'm just confused."  
  
"Have you tried talking to your other friends. family too?" He plays with a ballpoint pen, clearly trying to assuage the misery in the quarters by acting naturally. It helped little.  
  
"Yes. My group. it's funny how quiet they've become."  
  
Standing from his chair, the father goes behind his desk to retrieve something from his drawer. Flipping and groping around through his many papers- he takes one and walks back to Kurama. Handing him the small laminated sheet, he wipes his glasses with a white handkerchief. My friend's eyes skim the paper.  
  
"What's this?" He asks. "A prayer?"  
  
The old man replaces the tissue into his pocket, looming over Kurama's chair as an actual father would. "Yes. it's not much, but I guarantee you it will help- if your heart is in it. It's called the Chaplet of Divine Mercy."  
  
"I've. never sincerely made a formal prayer like this before."  
  
"First time for everything. hm.?  
  
Kurama grins hopefully. "We. all need to start somewhere."  
  
"Of course. that's part of the reason why we're here. There can no be happiness otherwise."  
  
Happiness.  
  
"I won't be doing this for myself. This is only for the loss, and for the loss alone."  
  
I blink. For me? You give more and more for me? How could you? Kurama. why do you want help someone who is hurting you? Do you believe in something. someone that is not there to see? My hand reaches to stroke the wounds on his arm. His flesh was cushy- blood smudging onto my fingertips. Bringing my hand to me, I rub my fingers together. His blood dried and flaked.  
  
You may bleed. but the stains will always vanish. The stains belong to me.don't ever blame yourself for what I do. You haven't erred. I have. Forget about me. for your own sake.  
  
My arms embrace a leg of the chair-  
  
.Forget about me. 


	15. Broken Chapter 15

Broken: Part Fifteen "Just Rewards." 7/10/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: I am going to rate this part a very VERY strong R. It's not so much the language, but what actually happens in this story. I will not in any way accept flames for this particular part for you have been clearly warned.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Little girl's voice: "What is it like.? What is it like to die.?"  
  
Man's voice: "."  
  
"Does it hurt.? Is it like sleeping.? I want to know."  
  
"You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't think of such things."  
  
"But if we live and then we die. What's the point?"  
  
"The point is the end."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Darkness.  
  
It's never ending. The room I was in disappeared, and I find myself left alone here. I bring my hands to my face; I cannot see them- only feel them as they touch my skin lightly. It's too dark. I can't see the floor, the walls, not even my legs- nothing. I can tell that Kurama and that man are no longer at my side. Their company had vanished along with the light. My ears prick up as the sound of footsteps proceed in my direction. I look onward, which was really pointless, however at this point- the presence of anyone would prove to be very comforting.  
  
"You're being selfish again." The owner of the voice draws closer. The body heat he owns, radiates from his skin and bounces off of mine. No, I'm definitely not alone- not as I had previously thought.  
  
"Don't be like this anymore. you don't realize whom you are hurting." I feel the person kneel down to my level, taking my cold blood-drained face into his palms and caressing it lovingly. The touch. was soft and kind- so so loving. Thumbs underline my eyes- other fingers trace my lips. Tapping, stroking with incredible subtlety. I've. I've never been touched like this before. The hairs on my skin react to the warm sensation, a searing tear escaping from my eye and landing on this person's wrist. The dimness here lightens just barely. Everything which was once in the facilities was gone- leaving a vacant and barren zone with no walls or flooring whatsoever. The colors of gray, silver, and midnight blue stretched as far as the eye can see- almost like an abyss or maybe sub-space. My attention shifts from the environment to the person holding me with great tenderness. Irises move from his pale chest to his neckline, from his chin to his face. I gasp and draw away. This person touching me. he was my worst adversary. he was the one whom I hated with a passion. the one I wanted to kill so badly.  
  
He was myself.  
  
"You." I wrath, preparing to dig my nails into his face and literally rip it off. Instead of fighting back, he holds up his right palm -frayed and worn- as a peaceful halt to my actions. The expression on his face. or. MY face was solemn, tired. Hands run numb. I cannot do as I wish.  
  
"Do we hate ourselves that much?" He spoke softly. "Every time we see a mirror- will we always shatter it?"  
  
"Who are you supposed to be?! Don't you dare give me: 'I'm you.' because I will never believe it!!!"  
  
For a while, he says nothing and in the short amount of elapsed time- I examine him. This 'me' was thin, absolutely scrawny. Burn marks, scars, blemishes, and bruises were arrayed over his whole form as though they were décor. His eyes were exhausted and the white was an unhealthy shade of yellow. Lips were dry and cracked, bleeding slightly at several of the creases in flesh. Alcohol lingered in his breath. I look away.  
  
"No. I am you. Not from another time, not your soul, or will. I am you." He moves forward to touch me again, and in reply I crawl rearwards- eyes reverted back and never drifting from him. At this, he reclaims his hand- it unhurriedly clenching into an unfastened fist. "You're right. I lied. I'm only a part of you."  
  
"What are you talking about?!?! There can only be ONE me! Who are you?! You imposter!!" I don't even select my own words any more. anger spoke for me- there is no control.  
  
"You should know. you said it yourself once." His head dejects meekly- expression blank and hidden. "It wasn't too long ago that we realized it. The alcohol erased almost everything."  
  
"Stop speaking in damned riddles!" Lunging forward, I throw my fist into his jaw- sending him to hit the ground to wherever we were. His body was sprawled along the floor, blood -appearing black from the low luminosity- splattered all over. He didn't bother picking himself up, his fingers simply curled inside his palms as he trembled.  
  
"We're such fools." He whispers. "You said yourself that the mind thinks in two. Didn't you notice? Every thought. every mental cycle or practice is ALWAYS in two. Two halves. everything is two and two is one. I'm apart of that half as you are the other. We are two different frames of thought, which- when composed- form a soul. But."  
  
"But." I force on.  
  
"But somehow. all the passion that was inside of us- centered around ourselves. By doing this, we have prayed for death. lusted for it. It seemed that by dying- relief would be the reward. That was a dangerous and threatening thought. As a result, God granted our wish- in a sense- to see for ourselves what death is."  
  
"But how did I.WE." I correct. "Die in the FIRST place?"  
  
"We died long before we thought we did. when we forgot what it means to have a life and a heart- we instantly lost everything. Thereafter we were pulled into one frame of thought. a thought that killed us. We drunk ourselves, hurt ourselves, caused misery to ourselves as much as we could to fill the hunger inside us."  
  
"So. which part of me are you.?"  
  
He fell silent again, head turned away from me as he was still laying pathetically- merely a few feet away. ". I am the part of you. that cared. the part of you that looked for your sister. the part of you that found friends."  
  
"What.?"  
  
". When we completed all that we desired. I found nothing left to live for. You know how you can argue with yourself.? Before you do something.? I'm that other side. the part of you that questioned and likewise answered. When we fell into the same thought that we had no purpose- that we were useless. that was the end of it. With no frame of mind to keep ourselves from slipping. we initially died. became a puppet of sin in the real world." Moving closer to me, this time I don't resist. He opens his palms, small flames arousing from his numerous wounds. "Touch it. let us see what it is like to transit from the first world to the next. lets see what our life has earned us. as one."  
  
I stare at him incredulously- doubting and wondering as to what I will be getting myself into. The flames sparked, flickering weakly. Finally, I hover my hands over his palms. we then merged.  
  
*****  
  
My clothes are ripped away from me- pulled and tossed into oblivion by. devils. Their long nails tore open my naked form from all areas. Sticky tongues. oozing with acidic saliva wash over the wounds. I gasp, mouth jittering from shock and pain. Another one pounces on top of me- odor as bad as sulfur- causing me to fall on my back. Its eyes bulged from their sockets, red and pupiless. Drooling over my face, he forces my mouth open and shoves an enormous cockroach down it.  
  
"ARGHH.!!!" I scream, but it came out muffled. The insect's thorny legs move about my tongue and throat, scratching and scrapping my inside flesh until all was sore. The devil looms over me, salivates more, and kisses me intensely. My lips were forced open and the lowly creature was fished out. The cockroach was now hanging by one leg, trapped in between the devil's fangs. Before I knew it, the insect was crushed and eaten- leftover parts spewing over my cheeks and eyes.  
  
Another devil comes, unsheathing my jagan. Trying to move to defend myself- I realize that I've been pinned at all corners. Its fingertips danced over the eye greedily and excited. The jagan pangs open, and the fingers with agonizingly pointy nails- dove forth, ripping the eye out.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!! ARGH!!!" Teeth clench tight against each other, blood overflowing from my brow and painting my face. The pain was excruciating. I couldn't bear it. I thought I would pass out, but I didn't. I got the 'privilege' to view my attacker eat the jagan as if it were some sort of rich fruit. The eye pulsated as he ate it, the vein that was once connected to my brain and nervous system twitching. dripping with red.  
  
A tongue. yet another one, goes up my legs. I try to close them. but. I couldn't. It bites all along the inner thy and. even higher. licking along to get any trace of my blood. Abruptly, the tongue. it makes its way inside of me! Thrashing and darting- left and right. I kick and whip my body in violent lashes to stop the invasion. It continues to bite me. drink up my loss. continue to rape me with no mercy. This devil. was killing my body. More of them swarmed to where I was, and I am turned over to reveal my unsullied back. They jumped on me. one by one. Clawing and digging, removing as much skin as they possibly could. Then, they later swallowed and slurped all that they were able scrape off of me- drinking the blood that spilled onto the hot floor- lapping at it like ravenous dogs. The others which did not eat my flesh, shredded open my finger tips so that they may suckle at them like nipples for milk. I couldn't do any thing, I just laid there... paralyzed.  
  
I. brought. this. to myself?  
  
Tears well, and as soon as they do- I am lifted and nailed onto an unseen wall. Thick rusty nails are positioned on my palms- a hammer is lifted. POUND. One strike. POUND. Two strikes. As they are struck deeper and deeper- blood dressed the iron nails and I could feel the metal jammed in between my tendons, muscle, and bones. POUND. A third strike- blood soars into the air. I scream and scream, more and more. Anything to alleviate the stinging, the endless torture. Nothing I could do would subside this... nothing helped at all.  
  
Two devils bring in caged birds - doves-. and a chalice. One of them, covered with horns and warts, takes them out tearing their heads off in one quick swipe. My eyes widened. Soft white feathers, dyed yellow and red, clung onto his ugly hands. The other one gallops like a goat -hooves and all- to present the cup. The birds' blood was poured into the chalice, until the brim overflowed with thickness. The glass is brought to me, and I refuse to open my mouth. No!!! I won't!!! My head throbbed as I yelled mentally- they smirked to themselves, nodding eagerly in the events to come. Prying my mouth open, yet again, they pinch my nose and tilt the cup over my opened lips until the salty bitter blood flooded over and I coughed it all out from suffocation. I hang from the nails, as a dummy for their play.  
  
Smashing the glass, a devil as black and dirty as charcoal, drives it into my stomach and turns it by the neck in six full turns. "ARGHHH.AUGH."  
  
As the chalice was pulled out, the suction caused my blood to be extracted quickly from my abdomen. They gather around me, licking greedily at my torso- gnawing at the shredded flesh at times. Every part of my body jerks sorrowfully; shaking was also no option. The temperature suddenly declines to below zero, my skin blemishing from the burns and the sudden application of cold. The surroundings go hazy and my eyelids transform into slits. They wouldn't stay that way, however. For a second later, icy water was splashed over me, covering me from head to toe. Exhaling, my breath turns to mist. Glancing at my skin, the color of it is no longer pale, but blue. Lips trembling- visions out of the shadows are presented to me.  
  
"HIDEOUS!!!" A thin woman with firey hair smashes an oval shaped mirror before her. She collapses to the ground, hands moving up and down her shoulders as her frame quakes beyond restraint.  
  
"I'm so ugly." She whispers. "Who. who can care for. who can love. a person with a face like mine.?"  
  
".Mukuro.?" No. That's not you. This is a lie. It's not YOU!  
  
"A LIE!!!" I yell hoarsely, more blood coursing from my forehead as I had done so.  
  
"FUCK YOU!!!"  
  
That voice.  
  
Frothy spit lands on my face, for a moment- blinding my eyes. Shaking my head, I effort to adjust my focus to see who did this to me. Looking on, the person stands in front of me. Face angered and pitiless.  
  
"You're so damn pathetic! You're such a little shit hole Hiei!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?! DID YOU?!?! A GOD DAMNED SHIT HOLE!!!"  
  
He spits again, and slugs at me- my nose bleeding with no relent later. Taking my head by the hair- he grips onto the sweat and blood covered strands tightly, bashing my cranium against the wall in dreadful repetition until my eyes almost rolled in.  
  
"You're so worthless. I HATE YOU!!! WE ALL HATE YOU!!! LOOK AT YOU!!! WHAT A MISTAKE!!! THE SON OF A HORE!!!"  
  
My heart. It's pierced.  
  
"Yusuke."  
  
A tear falls.  
  
"Another day. no one to talk to."  
  
"Huh.?" No. that can't be.  
  
"No one here. no one. just an empty room. silence."  
  
"No." I choke, still half delusional from the mauling.  
  
"No one could possibly understand. how it feels to be in my position. therefore. I have no friends."  
  
"No. NO!" More tears fall as I wave my head from side to side- hands wreathing with emotion.  
  
"What am I crying for? Loneliness. my tears. it's just water, but. they're hurting me." Water rivers down from his cheeks- completely soaking his crisp white shirt and reddening his eyes and face.  
  
"KURAMA!!! DON'T CRY! NEVER CRY!!!" My body bangs against the frozen wall, trying to break free. "NOT BECAUSE OF ME!!! NO!!! NEVER!!!"  
  
The tears kept coming. My tears. his tears.  
  
"Ahhh!!! Ahhh!! Help me! No! Don't touch me!!"  
  
HER tears.  
  
"YUKINA?!?!" My eyes largen to the extent they feel like rolling out of my skull. She was thrown to the floor. by devils. They shredding apart her kimono until she was as bare as I was. My dear sister was held in place. and she was raped like me. They suckled at her pert breasts. took her by the hair and kissed her sadistically. Flipping her over, they draw lines down her back with their claws... Bright red streaming in all directions. Her screaming destroyed my ears, crying for help so many times. They bucked inside of her woman hood, stabbing at her virginity until the sparkle in her eyes began to fade and her cries ceased.  
  
"NO!!!" Tears, thousands of them fly out of my eyes as I push myself forward- hands sliced severely, with obvious holes on palms. I had ripped myself from the wall- nails penetrating through my flesh. Blood trailed as I ran in her direction. From my hands, my legs, my head, my back, and torso. No matter how far I pressed my limits of speed- especially in my condition- I couldn't reach her. It seemed as though she was moving further and further away from me. from my reach. My breath goes choppy, and feeling faint- I lose footing and slam on the ground.  
  
Stampedes of devils make a dash to where I was. When they reached me, they shoved handfuls of spherical objects down my throat, making me swallow them. Each piece plunged to the bottom of my stomach as hard as bullets from a machine gun. When one handful was done, they released their hands from my lips- giving me a short chance to attain air. Then another hand covers my mouth, and I gulp down another handful.  
  
It didn't take long for me to realize that those objects. were my tears. 


	16. Broken Chapter 16

Broken: Part 16 "Regression" 7/26/00 By: Hikari E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com Notes: This is NOT the end. I still have an 'Epilogue' (actually it's more like a resolution chapter ^^) with LOTS and LOTS of surprises for you all! I hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed writing the Broken series. A great thank-you from me to all my readers.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Little girl's voice: "NO!!! It can't be that way!!! There must be hope!"  
  
Man's voice: ".Don't cry. little one."  
  
"Hope. Always there's hope. It will never die. Will it.?"  
  
"No. never. Not so long as we exist."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I clutch onto my shoulders, crouched on the cold floor and shaking profusely. I'm no longer in that place. That place of all my horrors and nightmares. Still, even having been released from there- fear and anguish remained. It was so dark, and it ranked with the smell of rotting bodies and vomit. The experiences there outranked the atmosphere. There was no mercy, no pity, and no heed to tears- no, of course not. There is no such thing as the shedding of tears in hell. If so, the tears were 'returned' to the owner. They were 'returned' in such a way that it would be impossible for them to come back- impossible for them to come out again. However, should new tears come- if new tears were made, those devils would find another way to 'give' them back to you. You can't cry in hell.  
  
"For how long." I ask. "For how long was I there.? Were WE there.?"  
  
My other self stands over me, eyes closed and arms crossed. "Fifteen minutes. No more. no less."  
  
"But. how can that be? It seemed like years."  
  
"As you have said: 'time is invalid because it comes in two forms. One by feeling, the other by ordered increments.' If we couldn't tolerate that degree of torture in hell for even the smallest amount of time- could we possibly imagine the intensity of pain for all of eternity? In the end. I've come to the conclusion that every little thing is justified. sin will always come back at you. Only we can keep ourselves from being damned."  
  
"What?! You're saying someone as worthless as ourselves could be 'saved'?"  
  
"Not if you keep on saying that. WORTHLESS. What does death mean to us anyhow? After seeing. feeling. all of that. Don't you find it strange that we wanted it so badly? What's more, we could have taken our own life a long time ago. 'Mukuro will resurrect me, until she herself dies.' That's a half lie- a poor excuse to shelter our pride, and no one knows that better than me. Why haven't we taken our lives yet? Somehow. did we become attached to those who still have their lives ahead of them? We may think that there is nothing left for us to pursue. so leaving this world seemed the perfect way to end everything. And yet, we found that we just couldn't let go. There were too many people who meant so much to us that we couldn't bring ourselves to the end. At the same time, we also felt that no one could possibly love us. understand us. Therefore, we found emptiness. We wanted happiness. for once. TRUE happiness. It started out as a very simple wish. No one knew of it, but ourselves. Then, seeing as our friends found what they wanted out of life- we grew jealous. more jealous than we ever had been."  
  
"I don't understand myself anymore."  
  
"Did we ever?"  
  
"These emotions. I don't know how to comprehend them. Nothing in the world seems to make sense. There are straightforward answers, but they have little or no value. 'We live because we are'." I pull my legs into the trunk of my body- red spraying slightly as I spoke. ". Why am I still here.? Because of my friends? If so it hurts so much."  
  
Bending down to my level- he looks at me in the eye. His wine colored orbs flashed dangerously. threatening. It was a bright and immense contrast to his pale skin. Do I really look this way? So worn and drained? Cool palms move to my shoulders, gripping onto them as a sign of comfort. "It hurts because we're so blind."  
  
"Blind?"  
  
"That's how I perceive it. Looking back, I realize that those we cared about returned the gesture themselves. In spite of having three eyes, we couldn't see how much they cared about us. On the other hand, we also saw how much we were wearing Kurama out. As a result, we placed blame over his weakening stamina. We attacked ourselves from both ends. 'No one needs me.' 'I'm just a burden to them.' When they cared, we hated ourselves. When we thought they didn't care, we hated ourselves even more. From the way we saw things. and from the way our mind was heading- there's no way we could have lasted in preserving our sanity. All those tears. those self-inflicted wounds. drinking binges. all selfish. This is why I separated from you. before anyone may help us- we must first help ourselves."  
  
My mind is running in circles, and from all that I have went through- I can't help being overwhelmed. "How.?"  
  
"I don't know. As far as my half goes- I have been through every incident within you, until now. As I remember and hold all of the compassion- you remember all of the past. When I found nothing to live for, we further delved into our evil childhood. Hate escalated. Since we caused misery to the extremes. We disregarded all the changes we went through as we learned from our friends." Moving closer, his nose touches mine- lips barely stroking my chilled skin and breath running over my face with warmth. "Did we ever think we could love so much? It was so subtle that we didn't even notice this feeling."  
  
In reaction, I blink rapidly. "You're completely different from me. I find it hard to believe that you and I are one in the same."  
  
"Hn. That's because you always hide me. showing off our colder side. There's a bit of me in you, and likewise with myself."  
  
"A yin and yang relationship?"  
  
"Something like that. It's a belief. and belief is what's keeping us alive. That's why there's religion. to believe in something even though you're not completely sure about what you're believing in."  
  
"I don't deem that concept. there are too many answers."  
  
"All the same. you KNOW there is a Hell, a Heaven, and a Power. All of which no one can come close to fully grasp. Enma and Koenma. who are they really?"  
  
" A brat and an ogre."  
  
"Couldn't agree more."  
  
"Hn."  
  
As we are in this huddled position, I notice that my half closes his eyes- lashes pressing together thickly. "Kurama. we hurt him so badly."  
  
In an instant, I remember slashes, scars, and blemishes bedecking almost all of Kurama's arms and hands. I have no doubt that his wounds were mine. "When we hurt ourselves. and the one closest to us is aware of it. they undergo the pain too. Don't they?"  
  
Nodding in another agreement, he smirks. "Nice to know you haven't completely fallen into apathy."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Well, you answered your own question without actually stating it. It appears we are going back to our better self." He opens his eyes, presenting me with his own inquiry. "Do we want to go back.?. Second chances are hard to come by."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"To where we belong."  
  
"How?"  
  
He kisses me.  
  
*****  
  
Gasping, it feels as though I had just emerged from deep water. Shards of glass from the mirror slipped from my back as I slowly tried to rise from the carpeting. I coughed and coughed. my head throbbing sharply and my stomach tightening. Where am I? I focus my eyes, only to be shocked later to find that I'm in Kurama's bedroom. Glancing out the window- it's still raining, as for me. I was nude, but drenched in dried up blood; which chipped and cracked to my movements. The stains. were they disappearing?  
  
The door suddenly creaks open, and I hear an all too familiar gasp of concern. So I'm back here. "What happened to YOU?!?!" He rushes towards me, then slows down to avoid the pieces of glass. "You're covered in blood! You're even bleeding from your jagan."  
  
"Unh." I don't feel good. My stomach. oh. crap. Standing up in a wobbly manner, I run past my friend and head for the bathroom. Much to my annoyance, I came too late- so I vomited all over the tiling. Green mingling with red clumped on the floor, and the acidic smell it had radiated- made me want to keel over again. Instead of doing that, however, I slump against the pane of the doorway. In the mean time, my friend comes to my side. His expression told of disgust, but he did a good job at trying not to offend me. From the look of it, Kurama was doing his best not to squint or scrunch his nose at my mess. Considerate as always.  
  
"I'll go get some paper towels to clean this up."  
  
He turns on his heel and heads in the direction of the kitchen, coming back later with a bucket filled with water and disinfectant, gloves on his hands, and a white towel to cover me bareness. Wrapping the cloth he offered around myself, I sit on the edge of the tub, leaning against the glass door to keep from falling forward. Silence filled the small room, and I have a difficult time articulating words. Subsequently, I watched him take care of the task at hand.  
  
My friend. he didn't look angry. He just put up with me as he usually does. He didn't complain or yell. He holds no grudges and works only to help. That's the way you always are. Kurama. You CAN get angry, but that's always your last resort. I made you angry many times. but you only showed it once. I deserved it and I still need to find a way to make it up to you. The least I can do. is say something.  
  
"Kurama."  
  
The redhead stops in the middle of scrubbing at the marble tiles and shifts his attention towards me. Before I say anything. I first want to ask him something. "Why do you care about me so much.?"  
  
Throwing the paper towels against the floor, he crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow in semi-disbelief. "What kind of question is that?"  
  
"Huh...?"  
  
A small grin marks his face, light sparkling off of his eyes. "You're my friend. That's the answer." He chuckles in between his sentence. ". I don't think it can get much more simpler than that."  
  
".Friend."  
  
"Listen." Retrieving the towels, he bows to continue with his cleaning. "I still don't understand how you can be coated with all that blood and not have any wounds. save for those grazes on your fore arm from the mirror. but."  
  
You don't have to know. "Don't. worry about it. I promise I won't do it again."  
  
"Hmm." Rubbing at the floor, something screeches. He blinks in surprise and rubs the towel again. Another screech. "What was that.?" Flipping over the paper cloth, his eyes narrow at scrutinizing over what was it that was making such a noise. His eyes wander the ground, until he reaches for something with the rag.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
He holds the diminutive object up to the light. "It's a diamond. a. tear gem."  
  
A tear gem?! Moving his stare to the floor, he squints and notices thousands of little sparkles dispersed throughout the marble. Since the gems were clear, they were almost impossible to see. Either way, they were there.  
  
"Hiei." Looking up to me, his deep emerald eyes bore into mine- almost sucking me in. How will I explain.? ".What are you doing to yourself.?"  
  
I clench onto a corner of my towel, squeezing it and wringing it nervously. As I do so, the other is waiting expectantly for an honest answer. Shit. I'm screwed. " I was." What should I say? ".Just being stupid."  
  
Actually, that wasn't a lie. I WAS stupid for granting myself such a punishment.  
  
Kurama let out a sigh, and nodded to my claim as a sign of acceptance. Lucky for me, my friend gives an air of trust, even though that deep down- he had a fully aware state which could analyze and decode anyone. Be that as it may, I don't think that even Kurama would be able to touch the truth. It's better this way, he doesn't have to acknowledge everything I've ever been through. He shouldn't.  
  
"Well." The redhead asked. "What should I do with these? Do you want them? They're worth quite a few in the Makai."  
  
I shake my head. "Why don't you keep them.?"  
  
A certain look or face arises at that. I can read it. it says: 'Exactly. how much did you drink.?'  
  
"I don't think I'll have much use for them." He gathers the translucent spheres into a clean cloth, and I follow him out the room to the kitchen where he dumped the jewels into a glass filled with hot water so that they may clean. As he carefully poured them into the cup, the last gem that fell was a pure white pearl. MY pearl.  
  
"That one's mine."  
  
Worry and.. possibly revolted fear clouds over Kurama's head- he shook it off. "Oh.?" It's sad, but at the tone of his voice- I almost feel like laughing. A witness to something so bizarre. From the way a smile is hounding to break my tight lips. I must be so glad to be home. I can start over. "Is it the one Yukina-chan gave you.?"  
  
"No." My eyes gaze at the pearl set atop the diamonds- apart from the rest. "It's the one from when." I don't really want to fuse the words 'moron' and 'proposed' together so. "we ate at a fancy restaurant. several nights back."  
  
"You mean when Kuwabara proposed to Yukina?"  
  
Of course, you can always say it for me. Now I remember. I have to tell Kurama before we get sidetracked again. I try to open my mouth, but my jaw trembled. Hiei! Get it out before you wind up regretting it! Why is this so hard?! ".I'm sorry."  
  
"Huh? For what?"  
  
Everything. ".Everything. For being an asshole in short."  
  
He smiled. A gentle smile- brotherly. It's been so long since I've seen it. "It's okay. Life's hard sometimes. I understand." Shoving the glass into a safe corner of the counter, Kurama revolves around to rest on it. "I guess." He begins. "We should go fix that mirror."  
  
"Fix it?" I sense my brows furrowing together.  
  
"Come with me and see for yourself."  
  
When we returned to the room where everything had started- my friend walks up to the once full-length mirror on his wall to explain. "Look here." He points to his reflection. "I can still see my face. you only ruined to LOWER half."  
  
Alright, I deserved that one too. He just HAD to emphasize the 'LOWER' half. "And how- prêt ell- are you going to fix it?"  
  
"Just cut off the jagged end where the mirror broke and keep the good half. no sense in throwing away something that's still useful. Besides, I still have sentimental value for this mirror."  
  
"In other words, you don't want to waste your money on another one."  
  
"That works too." He laughed.  
  
I inspect my whole form over and finally concluded that I wanted and needed a shower.  
  
"Another one? You're killing my water bill."  
  
Glimpsing at the fragments on the carpet, flashbacks start to overflow my memory. I just returned from Makai and I wanted to use Kurama's shower. When I was through- I went to pick up my clothes from his bed. That's when I came across the mirror. the composition which reflected all that I saw within myself. And so. I broke it. I broke myself. But Kurama. he still kept me for everything I was.  
  
"Maybe you can pay up with my gems."  
  
With his fingertips, the redhead rubs the bottom of his chin. "Actually, there's a jeweler down Main. Hiei. why don't we finance your sister's wedding.?" Taking a peek at me, he attempts to rephrase. "Or we could."  
  
"We'll finance it."  
  
"Really?" Another surprise. I might send this guy into cardiac arrest.  
  
"If she's going to end up with that idiot for the rest of her life. I guess her wedding should be something she should remember."  
  
"Hiei."  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"You're scaring me. are you sure you're alright?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
Kurama decides not to interrogate me any further- out of fear that I will suddenly change my mind. "The rain stopped."  
  
I turn to the window. "It did."  
  
"You better wash off before we go to Atsuko's house. We're leaving in thirty minutes."  
  
"Hn."  
  
Striding into the now clean bathroom- I lock up the door and look at myself. No monster. No evil. The killer was gone. I made up for everything from my undertaking. I don't see anything in my reflection, but myself. Me. Just me. Nothing to hate. I can find my new reasons for living. I wasn't meant to die. Not now at least- I still have something to look forward to. and no one can make it happen, but me. ME. 


	17. Broken Chapter 17 (Epi)

"Broken: Epilogue" 2/1/01 By: Hikari E-mail: elvina99@hotmail.com Site: http://www.geocities.com/hikari_nanase/ Notes: Gomen nasai! It took a WHOLE year before I could find the heart needed to write this piece! I promise you, I had around six versions of the ending until I finally came to a consensus. *bows profusely* I apologize for the EXTREME delay. All disclaimers apply.  
  
*****  
  
"Augh." I scrunch-up my nose at the horrific stench heading straight at me. Looking away, I sloppily maneuver to clean-up the biohazardous mess. My fingers feel around for two tape-tabs, and when they find them, I pull the tape apart.  
  
"Oniisan! Be sure to put powder on her!"  
  
"All right!"  
  
I look back down again, unable to suppress a smug grin at seeing the baby's face. She looks up at me, with her jewely eyes and coos as she sucks her stubby fingers. Chuckling a little, I roll-up the dirty diaper and toss it in the bin. How does this go again? Powder. Wipes. No- it's the other way around, wipes and THEN powder. God, I wish Kurama were here.  
  
Finishing off, I set the little toddler to her feet and pull her pink sweat pants up. She blinks and eyes around curiously- two pigtails of carrot colored hair bouncing about. As I stand from the bed, I crouch beside her to touch her pillowy cheek. Her skin was so soft; it felt as though it would melt under my stroke. My niece turns to me, staggering a little for not fully developing her motor skills, and peers through her long bursting lashes. Again, she sucks her fingers.  
  
"Saa. At least you eat healthy."  
  
As though she understood, she giggles and takes her fingers out of her mouth to touch MY face. I squint a little at the feeling of sticky saliva dressing my complexion, but since it is HER saliva- I say it's clean syrup.  
  
Footsteps clack on the wood and I find my sister smiling at us by the doorway. Her hair had grown very long, and so she kept it in a braid to keep from getting untidy. Apparently, Yukina was done with her New Year's cooking; she had undone her apron and was showing off her beautiful pink dress with a sweaterly turtleneck. The dress accentuated her form- an hourglass figure. The color even matched her lipstick, and brightened the shine of the golden heart locket her husband had given her for their anniversary. She moves towards us, hands folded in front of her, and kneels down by my side.  
  
"She's quite the curious one ne.?"  
  
Nodding, I agree to that. "Yes. She's smart . You can tell Yuwari-chan's thinking when she stops moving around. It's as though she were full of intent."  
  
Yukina rests her hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. "I think she is. It DOES run in the family."  
  
"Hn."  
  
She stands and gestures to leave the guest room. "Let's go to the living room and wait for the others."  
  
I comply and place Yuwari on my hip before she could scurry away from me. When I found out Yukina was pregnant more than a year and a half past, I knew for a fact that the baby was not her destined clone. The Koorime give birth to their copies every one hundred years. my sister was hardly that age. True, I felt sick thinking about it at first, and actually I was acting quite bitter for the first few months. Needless to say, I reverted back to my jaded 'higher-than-thou' ways. I dropped it as soon as Yukina's water broke and everyone panicked for the hospital. Thankfully, Kurama was there, and though he was a young doctor- he was fully trained to deliver the baby. Good. I don't trust anyone else to do it.  
  
Carrot colored hair and ruby eyes. The eyes somehow seem to be the dominant trait on our side of the tree. How small she was- when she was just born. eight months later she grew so quickly I could hardly believe it. That was when I was caught. Yuwari was crawling and somehow grabbed onto a chair leg in the kitchen. The leg was burnt to ashes. One week later, burnt prints of Yuwari's little palm were marked all over the wooden floors, doors, and walls of the temple. The new family was supposed to take care of this place ever since Genkai's passing, now it seems the new child is doing the direct opposite.  
  
It came to the point where Yukina finally witnessed the type of flame her daughter was wielding- black. Black, of course, equals me. Me to her child equals blood. Blood equals family. The day she confronted me was the day I felt like combusting right in front of her and disappearing forever. I suppose I was still afraid of rejection. or chance of danger. I don't know.  
  
The idea of me feeling such a way was foolish. Dead foolish. She wasn't angry at all, just walked to me- smiling with tears, and buried her little face in my chest. If. If I had known that would happen- I would have told her whom I really was the second my eyes laid on her.  
  
Kuwabara, on the other hand, he was none-too-pleased, but because I helped pay for their matrimony- he let it slide peacefully. Hn. Well, there was one catch. I had to teach Yuwari how to control her power when she reached the proper age. That doesn't bother me- it essentially gives me a legitimate excuse to get away from Mukuro's clutches.  
  
The living room was clean and freshly furnished- middle table adorn with unlit candles and potpourri. I seated myself on the couch by my sister, while Yuwari managed to wriggle her way out of my arms and onto the floor. She picked a handful- baby's handful- of the dried flowers and sniffed. She sneezed and the petals sprayed out of her palm like confetti. We laughed and got on all fours to sweep the clutter. As I looked up from shoveling in several more into my hand, I see that my niece's eyes turned watery, and that her button nose twitches like a bunny. If the demons in Makai could see me now. I'm done for.  
  
Just then the door slides open, revealing Kuwabara in his tan colored trench coat dusted over with snow. Yukina stands up to give him a kiss, and Yuwari follows after, holding onto her mother's leg and staring up innocently. Myself, I stand shortly to give him a curt nod and he returns the gesture.  
  
Before we could even start a word, the door slides open, hastily this time- and as I suspected, the infamous Urameshi Yusuke comes into view. Hair still gelled.  
  
"Oi! It's not nice to leave your friends out in the snow!" That big grin of his is plastered across his face, and he makes room for Keiko to enter. Triplets. Fraternal triplets. Two boys and one girl. The brunette efforted to push the bulky stroller into the room, and Yusuke took the hint and gave her a hand. The moment the stroller made it into the housing- the youngest, the girl, Atsuko awoke and frowned. Her little face crinkled, then instantly turned a bright hue red. She opened her mouth and exposed to us the strength of her voice box.  
  
She cried and cried, and soon the two boys followed in suit. Keiko sighed heavily and walked steadfastly for the couch. Immediately she plopped onto the cushions, closing her eyes to emphasize her position. In the mean time, Yusuke tried to console the fussy infants- making weird faces, noises- shaking a rattle here and there, but to no avail.  
  
Giving up, Yusuke collapsed next to Keiko.  
  
"Take them away!" Yusuke cried. "Oh God, take them away!"  
  
"Take what away?" A young blue-haired girl peaked in-her hair in layers and coming down to her chin. She blinked confused, magenta eyes sparkling as lively as they always had been. I just hope her schoolgirl laugh dissipated.  
  
Yukina took one of the infants into her arms- Ranza, the oldest boy, rocking for his complacence, only failing as well.  
  
"Oh, the babies!" Out came those giggles. It wasn't so bad; I suppose I've finally gotten accustomed to them. She took the middle child, Koten, and held him high in the air sticking her tongue out. For a moment, he silented. We heaved out sighs of relief, then he wailed again and harder than ever.  
  
"What's wrong with them?" Botan asked.  
  
By now, Keiko was stretched across Yusuke's chest and sleeping deeply. Her husband watched over her gently, replying:  
  
"We've been trying to figure that out ever since Kurama delivered them!"  
  
"Maybe they're hungry." I suggested.  
  
". We fed them on our way here." We were all surprised since it was Keiko saying this in her nap. How she must be tormented. Makes plenty of sense, Yusuke's blood mixed with HER will.  
  
"Dirty diaper?" Carrot top inquired.  
  
Then it was Yusuke's turn. "Cleaned them in the car."  
  
"Well, they don't seem to want to go back to sleep." Yukina was still cradling the child. Ranza was at least reduced to whimpers. Atsuko wouldn't let it go though.  
  
Once more, the door slid open and there- waiting for greeting- was my long-time friend. Kurama. I smile a little, but at his appearance, everyone ran for him and shoved the triplets into his arms.  
  
Stunned, his eyes broaden and he tries to balance the kids within his brace without harming any of them. "Etto."  
  
The brunette headed for her stroller and pulled out an enormous bag filled with supplies. With the strap, she wrapped it around Kurama's neck and thanked him profusely before he could utter a thing.  
  
"You can settle in the guest room." We turned, and Yukina was already leading the way. Smiling and signaling the message: 'sorry, but we tried.'.  
  
I feel a little pity and help by taking the bag. Yuwari follows me to the room we just in, all the time curious and studying.  
  
"Gaa. gee ga ge ga!" She exclaims while throwing her head around.  
  
"I know what your mean. They ARE loud." I spy over my shoulder, see Kurama struggling, and drop the bag.  
  
"Mind helping me.?" He mumbles beneath the 'bundles of joy'.  
  
I say nothing and take Ranza, the quietist.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
We had stopped in the middle of the hall, and I had to bend over with one arm occupied to retrieve the bag. It was a blessing Yuwari knew how to walk.  
  
Laying down the children on the bed- Kurama sat by them and shook his head. "I see babies at least five times a week. Would it sound so bad if I said I was getting a little tired of it?"  
  
"Hn. You're the one who took-up the profession."  
  
My friend lies onto his stomach, spread across the mattress so that he may care for all of them. One by one, he gingerly strokes the infants with his fingertips. Their stomachs shiver in reaction to his caress- and slowly, they begin to mellow until at last they cooed contentedly.  
  
As I glance at the redhead, I notice how focused he is. and how loving. He hasn't changed at all.  
  
"You have a way with children." I stated.  
  
He smiles, still not looking up. Though. I can see his eyes glisten from beneath his hair.  
  
"Arigatou." After the gratitude, he gave me a low chuckle. " I see you're quite good with them too."  
  
"Hn?" My eyebrow arches.  
  
Turning to his side, Kurama points behind me. I move, and I laugh too. Yuwari was still in the room, and she was endeavoring to climb and join us by grabbing at the sheets. Understanding this, I pick her up by the hips and set her in front of me.  
  
"Kyaa!" She nests into my crossed legs and lies back against my abdomen.  
  
Fondling over the sight, Kurama spoke again:  
  
"Wish I had a Polaroid."  
  
I snort at what he says. "Polaroid pictures look bad. Even I think so."  
  
"If I remember correctly. The first time we caught you smiling on film was with a Polaroid. The hospital. Remember?"  
  
I relent in defeat. He was right. I was smiling when Yuwari grabbed my finger. Damn that Koenma. He appeared out of nowhere.  
  
"Yes, but I didn't ex-"  
  
Botan startled us all and nearly disturbed the kids when she popped in. Realizing her near-fatal err, she whispers instead.  
  
"Dinner's ready." And she tiptoed out the hall.  
  
Carefully, Kurama took one child at a time and set them in the playpen.  
  
"Shall we.?" He whispered as well, and we filed out- niece at my haunches.  
  
*****  
  
It's like deja vu, we're gathered around a long table- it covered with platters of colorful food, arranged in resplendent patterns. This time, however, I truly get to enjoy the dining. The traditional sushi, soba noodles with tempura, marinated yellowtail sashimi with wasabi mustard, potstickers, inagi, suki yaki soup, and stir-fry shrimp and beef, came in and out of the kitchen in large loads. It was Kuwabara who brought in the sake, which Yukina refused, Keiko accepted-, as did Yusuke for they both needed it, Botan consented after a little thought, and Kurama took a bit himself.  
  
Kuwabara motioned towards me, and I shake my head: "No, just water."  
  
"Wine then?" He pulls out an expensive green bottle- its neck foiled with gold. As he holds it up from the cupboard for view, my eyes catch the liquid within it sloshing around thickly.  
  
"Pour me one."  
  
"Me two."  
  
"Me three. It's red right? Oh, definitely."  
  
"I'll have some. But only tonight."  
  
"Just a bit for me thank-you."  
  
My turn.  
  
"Hiei?"  
  
I searched the faces in the room, until I found Kurama. Obviously, I was hoping for a sign of sanction. He only grinned wryly, seeing how tempted I was for just a cup full. Finally, he took a sip from his glass, then held it up and nodded.  
  
"Yes? No? Maybe so?"  
  
"Just half a glass."  
  
"All right then." The taller started to pour.  
  
"That's the spirit!" Yusuke shakes me. He always does that. Except now, his face is flushed from the alcohol and he does it slightly more exaggeratedly.  
  
*****  
  
What could you expect? I'm not much for conversation. I mouthed a few words every now and then, but I'm sincerely not a socialist. They were casual talks. Yusuke's ramen shop business, Atsuko's marriage, Kurama's promotion- AGAIN, but what ironically occupied the majority of the babbling was everyone's current hairstyle. Humans. Ch'.  
  
Botan's hair. She cut it and had it in what they call a 'bob-style'. I think she looks better this way, at least now she can let her strands hag loose from that everyday ponytail. As for Kurama- he cut it short. There's no mistaking he's a man now, which is something he's quite satisfied with. The taller and Yusuke hadn't changed, but Keiko completely butchered her hair. She said something about it getting all over the place when it was long. Now it's a boy-cut.  
  
When it was Yukina's turn for inspection, we found that she never changed it.  
  
'Kazuma likes it like this. He says it makes me look like a Goddess.'  
  
I scowl. 'Don't you think Yukina always looks like a Goddess? No matter what the hair length?'  
  
Everyone was shoved into an unhealthy silence for a time, and I'm glad to know I still have my air of threat. Her husband thought carefully for a moment, and answered:  
  
'Yes, but you've never seen her when she comes out of the shower, now have you?'  
  
Yukina blushes furiously, and I nearly spat out my wine with that, but swallowed hard in its place. 'That's enough. I don't need to hear anymore out of you.'  
  
The group was still uneasy, but to put them back on track, I spoke again.  
  
'Anyhow, I believe the strands behind my nape are getting longer. If you wish, I'LL keep my hair long and will walk out of the shower in my sister's place!'  
  
'OH GOD!'  
  
Hn. That's better.  
  
Then, Botan just HAD to comment on the attire I was wearing. Black slacks, white mock-turtle neck, and a black snow coat that drops down to my knees- along with a thin gray scarf to complete the set. 'Nice threads.' she said. I thought 'Kudaran.' but replied: 'Thank-you, my sister chose them for me.' It's instinct now; I try not to use sarcasm unless I feel necessary or provoked to. Or maybe when I have the need to appease for my sick sense of humor.  
  
One hour. Three hours. We ate with satisfaction while waiting for the clock to strike midnight. My niece was seated upon her father's lap, eating little bits he offered her with his chopsticks. She has my taste, she can't stand eggplant. All the same, Yukina's craft in the kitchen is unparalleled. When we were eating, however, I noticed Yuwari was slipping in and out of consciousness, and even Kurama commented I wouldn't stop 'hawking' her.  
  
It came to pass that she finally fell into a deep sleep, and so I offered to take her to the room with the other children. I didn't even THINK about putting her in the netted playpen with those other kids. Never. Knowing them, they would probably hit my little one in the stomach or poke her in the eye without knowing it.  
  
So I laid her down on the bed, and I spooned over her insignificant little form from her side. The room was unlit, and the only light came from the thin drapes because of the city in the distance. The room was filled with toys and blankets. There were diaper cases and empty bottles in one corner- baby books and photos in another. On the floor was a teddy bear, made of soft linen and buttons for eyes. I've come to the conclusion that the guest room, in truth, was a premeditated nursery.  
  
Yuwari yawns in her sleep, and I wrap my arms around her. She moves around, seeking my body heat, and snuggles into my hold while rubbing her head against my chest. I love holding her. Smelling her hair. Having her follow me around. and she's MY niece.  
  
As I brush away several of her stray strands from her angelic face, Kuwabara comes in and leans against the doorframe.  
  
"You never came back." He says. "I was beginning to think you took her out to the park again without telling us."  
  
Glancing at the window, I grin. "No. Not in this weather, at least. Besides, I don't want to wake her."  
  
"Keh'!" He shakes his head and stares off to the corner of the door. "You spoil my daughter more than anyone else. I didn't think you liked children this much."  
  
"No. The only child I like is THIS one."  
  
"Oh yea? What do you have to say about Yusuke's kids?"  
  
Good question. ". No comment."  
  
"All right, I'm just checking if you're yourself. That so-called joke you cracked killed everyone."  
  
I squint a little. Yes, my remark on that purposeless conversation was completely unexpected. "I'll have to wash my mouth thrice for that one."  
  
"You didn't mean it did you?"  
  
My eyes broaden at the perversion. "What the hell? You must be sick! You're married! And I would rather lick Mukuro's toenails than undress for YOU!"  
  
I stopped before I could semi-yell any more. If I stir Yusuke's brats, I'll never hear the end of it.  
  
He laughs lightly, carrying an air of softness around me that was foreign until now. "Well. I'm glad you're talking that way. It used to be that all I could pry out of you was baka and." Kuwabara thought for a moment. "Actually. It was just baka."  
  
"Hn." I've lost all my distance. Damn.  
  
"Why don't you come back out shrimp? We're trying to catch-up."  
  
Stroking the small of Yuwari's back, a decline was my response.  
  
"Are you sure? We've got cake for ya'."  
  
I carry my niece and put her down in the middle of the bed. "What kind?" As if it really mattered to me.  
  
"Chocolate."  
  
An answer I wanted to hear. "Go on, I'll follow later."  
  
"Right. And Hiei."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Thanks for. You know."  
  
It surprises me how infinite this man's gratitude is. To think all it cost was several million yen and some white roses from Kurama's garden. "Hn. Thank me one more time. fool. and I'll make sure to never do you another favor."  
  
Now he is giving me a frank look that would make any sane being ponder over what is churning in his head. He better not pop a crack like he did this dinner. otherwise.  
  
"You're a good actor shrimp. I've caught onto it ever since our first mission."  
  
Never mind. That was worse.  
  
*****  
  
Botan giggles and cocks to her head to the side so cheerfully that her hair bounces, and as it lands, frames her face. She never stopped getting compliments, and even Keiko appeared a little jealous. Yusuke walked on thin ice when he went so far as to compare Botan to a modern-day model. Kurama saved his head by commenting over how Keiko's hair elongated her neck and gave her a sense of elegance. I'm surrounded by vain people.  
  
Nothing was left on my plate, but clumped crumbs that were spongy sweet. With my fork, I press down on them so that they may stick on my utensil. It turns out that 'catching-up' involved feminine gossiping and three liters of sake. As long as I'm left alone, I'm fine.  
  
"Ne, Hiei, so how is everything in Makai."  
  
Pulling the fork out of my mouth- Keiko smiles at me warmly and rests her chin on her enlaced fingers. Kurama turns to look at me, while Yusuke leans forward, Kuwabara sets down his liquor, Yukina leans her head on her fist, and Botan stops babbling.  
  
"Nothing particularly interesting. But."  
  
"But?"  
  
Don't you hate it when they repeat your last pitch word? "But. I'm not currently stationed in Makai right now."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
Unison cries are annoying too- I better move on. "I'm posted in Ningenkai- for the time being at least. On the whole, as highest general, I don't have many laws to abide by. Since no wars or catastrophic calamities have taken place- my life is one long excursion."  
  
"Excursion?" Yusuke asked.  
  
"Vacation." My friend verifies.  
  
"Sounds sweet." The 'modern-day model' acknowledges.  
  
I sigh. "It's dull."  
  
"Better than communing every eight hours."  
  
"Wow. Is it that bad Kurama?" Kuwabara took his drink again.  
  
The redhead pulls at his optimism to get the right words out. Obviously, he's overworked. "I get called to the hospital on and off like a light switch."  
  
"Can't you minimize your working hours?" Yukina asked.  
  
"Or take a holiday?" Botan added.  
  
He shrugs and pulls something out of his pocket. A thick bulky leather book. It was a calendar and planner. Opening it by unlatching the strap, the book practically bursted open from overflowing post-it notes and papers. All of its pages were filled with scribbled down ink of different colors.  
  
"You should get a pen-touch organizer. It's the twenty-first century you know."  
  
"I agree with you Yusuke, but there's."  
  
"No time to get it?" I wound-up finishing for him.  
  
My friend seems a little sheepish, a little pink dashed upon his cheeks. "Exactly so."  
  
Everyone sighs in conquer, an akin action to disappointment.  
  
"You may get burn out. Would you care to trade places with me?"  
  
One of his eyebrows furrow in curiosity. Oh, of course. I never told them what I was doing in the human world.  
  
"And. What would be your business here and now?"  
  
My turn to shrug. "Stalking people."  
  
*****  
  
"Yusuke! Turn the channel to seven! We want to see the countdown at Tokyo Tower!"  
  
"Okay Keiko!"  
  
That noisy countdown. For some reason humans are compelled to join together in THIS temperature outside- at THIS hour, and party away. Humans have such strange festivities. The New Year in Makai is celebrated with several night raids- or something more. 'dangerous' than this. Makai New Year. It's hardly nostalgic. Rather, more along the lines of sickening. The morning after, alcohol is splattered everywhere along with puke. To be blunt, I'm a little glad I'm here.  
  
"Ten more minutes!" Botan chirped.  
  
Kurama plops next to me with his camera at hand. He aims for me, but I shield myself with a throw- pillow.  
  
"Oh common', Hiei!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Please?"  
  
"Stop."  
  
"Hiei!"  
  
"No!"  
  
I throw. Hm. the throw-pillow at him. It mashes his face and he falls backwards from the couch. Landing on his rear, he fumbles with that damn camera. "Ha! Now you have nothing to cover yourself with!"  
  
Quickly, I grab Yukina's arm and pull her in front of me. Click and flash. My friend missed me by a nanosecond.  
  
"Niisan!"  
  
"Gomen." I let her go. Kurama flashes.  
  
"Arigatou Yukina-chan."  
  
"Your welcome."  
  
"Neechan!"  
  
"Gomen." She replies. Trust me, my sister isn't as innocent as she makes herself out to be.  
  
I somewhat pout to myself at my failure. I hate pictures. If anything that shot got me with a stupid look on my face. Hn. I need to steal the negatives and burn them with the others.  
  
The redhead is smiling now. That victorious smile of his. Too bad I can't hate him for it. "Hiei. I was wondering."  
  
"No. I won't pose for you."  
  
He chuckles and slides the camera into its case. "Actually, I was hoping you'd come with me after the party to see my new apartment."  
  
I blink. "You bought a new place?"  
  
"Well. I didn't BUY it." He clarified. "Anyway. My balcony faces the beach now instead of the street. I'm in a completely new complex. It's great! I have so much more space than before!"  
  
"We've seen it Hiei." Keiko jumped in. "It's HUGE! It's almost hard to believe that it's an apartment! You should just see his bathroom! Golden rimmed glass shower and a separate luxury tub. Lined with white marble too!"  
  
"How. How were you able to afford it?" Shit. Is he rich now?  
  
"Uh.Well."  
  
Kuwabara wouldn't let him answer my question- he only delved more into my friend's residence. "And the kitchen! Steel fridge and a center- island stove with a parted oven!"  
  
"I got the apartment because."  
  
"Oh, and the curtains!"  
  
Botan, let Kurama talk.  
  
"Satin." She continued. "With long-standing windows. It's so. Romantic!"  
  
"As I was saying. The place was from."  
  
"Don't forget the master bedroom! It has French doors with vine carvings!"  
  
"Yusuke please." That's right. I had to say please to get people to stop.  
  
Kurama sweat drops- overly flattered by how much attention his home is earning him. I suppose he deserves the spotlight. What ever he did. he definitely must have earned it. Kurama isn't the binging selfish type.  
  
"Do you remember that run-down Physician Hospital downtown?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I helped fund-raise enough money to make it a REAL hospital. That's why I work there. The people and original owners of the building are now earning ten times the amount of income they used to before the hospital was rebuilt. I had interned there for years. So. They kind of. Decided to reward me for my loyalty."  
  
"Kind of?" Yusuke said. "You're too modest."  
  
"That's how much money all the employees are making? Enough to pay for your homestead?" Sounds too good to be true. Maybe I should take-up Physiology. Mukuro's accommodations are good, but with sleezy soldiers all over the place.  
  
"Yes, but. The hospital is favoring me."  
  
He's perspiring. Kurama. you are too humble for your own good.  
  
"They. Sort of. Went looking for the apartment without my consent. The next thing I know. I'm given a note with an address and keys."  
  
The carrot top shakes his head avidly. "My friend. Your life is GOOD."  
  
In return, he grins softly. Kurama's likely to be getting ready for one of his wise words of advice.  
  
"Life is good if you believe that it is. Happiness can be whatever you want it to be, so it's really all up to you."  
  
Hn. I was right. and so was he.  
  
*****  
  
"Five!"  
  
"Four!"  
  
"Three!"  
  
"Two!"  
  
"One!"  
  
"Happy New Year!"  
  
Colorful streamers are thrown everywhere, and party poppers explode. Yukina finds the champagne in the fridge and hands it to her husband to uncork it. The mouth of the bottle fizzes over with foam and the cork is sent flying. Straight into the ceiling like a bullet. We all cease our clamoring and peer at the odd hole above us. Some dust powders out, and the inside was pitch black.  
  
"I. Didn't mean to do that."  
  
Yusuke laughs so hard he nearly disperses his drink. Fortunately, he swallowed before he could drench us in his spit. "Don't worry Kuwabara. Now you can plan that skylight you've been dreaming about."  
  
"Heh'." We're all in good humor, and so our host raises his glass for a toast. "To a new year!"  
  
Our glasses met and we take down the sparkling liquid. It's good. A little too much bubbles, but it's crisp and tasty- very sharp.  
  
"I shouldn't drink so much. I have to drive home."  
  
"You should talk!" Keiko retorts. "Yusuke drank five times more than you have! I think I'll have to tie him to the passenger seat to keep from falling over!"  
  
We snicker and Yusuke 'hics'. Bad timing, we laugh even more.  
  
Kurama glances at the clock on the wooden wall. 12:05AM. He shoots down the champagne and politely wipes the corner of his mouth with a napkin. "Gomen nasai. Minna-san. But I really need to get going now. The traffic will be horrible, and I do live quite a bit away from here."  
  
"It's all right." Botan permits. "We know how hard you work. Even after a holiday. Just remember to take some of the food home."  
  
"Oh! I should pack you some! I'll be back shortly." My sister suddenly hastens for the kitchen. Two seconds later, she comes out with a plastic bag, filled with numerous bento boxes. How does she do it so fast? I didn't see her go into the nook to prepare the take-homes!  
  
I glance at Kurama, and I notice that he's very surprised at Yukina's speed too. Peaking at Botan, her mouth is gaping. Yusuke's past cloud nine so he isn't aware of the feat, but Keiko is more than amazed. Kuwabara. I think he's used to the talent.  
  
"Thank you. I'll definitely bring this to work for lunch! I just hope the other employees don't steal from me again."  
  
"That's the thing about hospitals, Kurama." Yusuke hiccups again, and pinches his nose bridge because of the fizz. "There aren't any cubicles for privacy."  
  
"True. True. Oh, Hiei- will you be coming?"  
  
I don't even hesitate over it. I need to check in on his place. "Sure. Of Course."  
  
"Great!" We begin to head for the door, and I put on my snow coat and scarf from the coat hanger. Kurama gets ready too- pulling on his black leather gloves and thick boots.  
  
"Well. Ja ne!"  
  
Everyone greets us farewell and I give Yukina a soft peck on the cheek. That was, when we were interrupted by a very small whine.  
  
"Mmm!"  
  
I was almost out the door, but I rotate at familiarizing that sound. "Yuwari?"  
  
She holds onto the entrance frame of the hall. She must have climbed down from the bed when she heard our racket. My niece toddles towards me, rubbing her eyes as she walks. and stops right before my feet. I kneel down and kiss her on the cheek. Then, I raise her bangs with my fingers and kiss her again on her warm forehead. I'm fully aware that my friends are just giddy at this sight. And that Kurama is preparing to snap his shutter. That's fine. Let him take this picture. I want it too.  
  
Yuwari giggles and touches my face- a little sad I am leaving. Her eyes. They're so big. You can get lost in those pools of deep red.  
  
"I'll visit you again. Little one. I promise."  
  
Nodding, she walks into my embrace and I hold her there for only a little bit. Backing-up, she waits for her mother to hoist her and seat her at waist.  
  
"Say bye-bye, Yuwari-chan!"  
  
"Ba.ba."  
  
I wave and set to leave.  
  
"That's right Yuwari-chan!" Giggles Botan. "Say bye-bye!" "Ba... Bai. He."  
  
He? Again, I swivel around- Kurama does too.  
  
"Ba. Bai. He. He. eh."  
  
My eyes widen. is she?! Is she?!?!  
  
"Bai. Bai. He-eh. Hiei."  
  
She said my name! She said my name! One more time! Please!  
  
"Bai. Bai. Hiei."  
  
Kurama places his hand on my shoulder and looks at me meaningfully. "Congratulations. You're her first properly articulated word."  
  
Yukina and Kuwabara are dumbfounded. "You see." Kuwabara blanches. "This is what happens if you spoil her too much."  
  
My dear sister giggles happily behind her dainty hand. "Don't worry Niisan, he's just surprised that your name was said even before 'Tousan'!"  
  
I hardly hear what she had just said, but I do find myself reaching to rub Yuwari's pigtails with much fondness. She looks up, smiling all to impishly. *Did you plan this?* I speak in thought. Her smile broadens. As if she had just heard me.  
  
"Shoot!"  
  
"What's wrong Kurama?" Keiko asks.  
  
The one besides me, slaps his brow with his palm. "Why didn't I go by my instincts and bring my video cam?!"  
  
"Oh!!!" All of them were just ready to double over, until Kuwabara rejoices.  
  
"Yes! This means I can STILL catch Yuwari saying my name on tape before she says YOURS!"  
  
"You're very competitive for your daughter's affection." I affirm. "We'll see then, who gets the most love."  
  
"Then it's a challenge!"  
  
"All right. A challenge. We'll see in the next few years."  
  
"Fine!"  
  
"Sheesh, you two are going to spoil Yuwari rotten!"  
  
"Urusei Yusuke!"  
  
That was the first time the taller and I had ever said the exact same thing at the exact same time. Forbid it happens again.  
  
*****  
  
Because of the masses of people downtown, we had to take the surface route to get to Kurama's apartment. The bright lights of the city were slowly fading away as we drew closer and closer to the beach area. The window over the dashboard was hazing up again, and my friend had to turn on the de-fogger to clear the view. I lay back on the leather seats, very comfortable. The redhead just had his car washed. I can tell. The inside was very clean and parts of it smelt of scented wax. I grin to myself a tad. Even his car was nice, dark green skin with black seats.  
  
We make another turn, and Kurama adjusts his footing from the clutch and his hold on the stick shift. I don't know how he can put up with it, the last car he had was an automatic, but then again, that car was his mother's.  
  
"Did your workplace pay for this too?" I asked.  
  
"They paid the down payment. " He centers his attention the on the slick road we were on and checks another turn for pedestrians. There were none. "You'd think I was working for one of those multi-corporations. It's almost like I was associated with Mass Com. or Public Advertisement. Legal trusts like those always pay for their workers' welfare and benefits."  
  
Kurama grinds on the gears, but quickly transfers them for going down a hill. "The parking area is separated from the building complex. We'll have to walk only a few meters."  
  
Entering the garage, my friend enters his key card into the receiver and the gates open for us. Top security too. I think I can break into it if I wanted to though. Our car rounded about the building, until we found a vacant space reading his numbers: 239. The car stopped and the lights went off. I take off my seatbelt and step out. The other cars in this place were SUV's, jeeps, sports cars, and the like. Who lived here anyway? I can't say I'm not amazed.  
  
"Follow me. There's a backdoor to the garage that leads to the front of the edifice."  
  
I take his lead and eventually we found ourselves outside. The snowing had sedated a few mere minutes ago, so the crystals floated down as softly as fluff. The redhead is just several feet away from me. So why don't I.  
  
I stop in my tracks and gather some frost into my palms. I pack it down really tightly and hid it behind my back. Kurama had gotten far ahead of me, so I jogged to where he was. Walking beside him, I assumed he suspected nothing and chucked the ball of ice directly into the side of his face.  
  
"Hey!" Clomps of white slides off of his features, and he had to wipe the rest of it off with the back of his hand. Smiling amused, he heaps together some snow himself and throws. To bad for him I anticipated this, so I jumped and perched myself on a nearby tree branch. By chance of fate, part of my cloak was within his reach, so he pulled me down and I fell heavily onto a mound.  
  
Exploding out, with snow all over my hair, and my apparel quite wet- I struggle to get free, but Kurama kicks the tree and MORE snow buries me alive. Instead of bursting out again, I fake being knocked out, and wait for he sound of Kurama's footsteps crunching on ice head towards me. When I sensed he was close enough, I pounced out and pushed him on the sidewalk. His hair got so wet, and he practically had a white hat on top of his head. Seeing how ridiculous we both looked, we sat up- wetting our asses on the snow- and laughed our heads off.  
  
"Didn't know you had a sense of humor!"  
  
"Neither did I. You look like what you humans call Santa Claus! Only without that beard."  
  
"Oh? Is that so? It looks like you went in your pants!"  
  
"A shame. It's the same with you as well!"  
  
Rising, Kurama offers a hand to help me up, and we both dust ourselves off before going into the building like stupid fools. My friend sighs from the excitement, and we continue to walk on.  
  
"I haven't done that since I was a teen! It's nice to fool around every once in a while."  
  
"Speaking of which, how was your birthday? I wasn't able to visit you that time."  
  
"It was good." He replies. "But you still owe me an explanation as to why you made a no-show."  
  
I know he's disappointed. Better make it up to him now. "I was at a legislative assembly. Mukuro had other business to attend to- so I went as her representative. The new governmental affairs in Makai are a pain. I have to sit in a hall with leaders of the provinces and listen to them drone on and on about the reconstruction of our world. Besides that, I had to meet with the top tactics generals to plot for army camps."  
  
"Sounds both interesting and tiring."  
  
"The latter is a more accurate description." I stop and reach for something in the breast pocket of my cloak. "Here. I almost forgot to give you this."  
  
He turns as I hand him something wrapped. I'm not good with wrapping paper. I admit that- I had to get Yukina to help me.  
  
"A gift?"  
  
"No, a death threat attached to a brick. Open it."  
  
Shredding away the paper, his lips part as his eyes wander over what I had given him. "It's. A Bible."  
  
"Yes. I still. Never apologized for what happened a few years ago."  
  
The memory of me being so angry that I threw his old book into the river in flames suddenly passes between us. Indicating he understood, my friend whispers something in between: 'I forgive you' and 'It's all right.' He flips the book around, admiring the red covering with gold cornered edges- even the text within the pages were written in gold, and the paper was thin and fine- so much that it crinkled at your touch. Looking up, he seems too shocked to know what to say. "Where. and how. did you get this?"  
  
"I. asked Botan to change currencies between Ningenkai and Makai." I pause to examine my friend. "I went looking for it on my own."  
  
Fingering though the pages, Kurama finds that I left a bookmark within the hardbound.  
  
"That's for you too." I said. "You always dog-ear where you at, and that ruins the book. I read a few entries actually."  
  
"That's good. The Bible makes good guidance. even if you don't celebrate the religion. Hm. Wisdom 1:13 -15; 2:23 - 24 (98B). A reading from the book of Wisdom. God did not make death, nor does he rejoice in the destruction of the living. For he fashioned all things that they might have being; and that the creatures of the world are wholesome, and there is not a destructive drug among them, nor any domain of the netherworld or earth, for justice is undying; For God formed man to be imperishable; the image of his own nature he made him. But by the envy of the devil, death entered the world, and they who belong to his company experience it." He closed the book. "You stopped there."  
  
"I felt. That I didn't have to read any more than that."  
  
*****  
  
When we went into the complex and took the elevator to the sixteenth floor, Kurama showed me around and helped to settle me in the guest bedroom. Like the master's- it had white French doors with ivy carvings as Yusuke had described. The kitchen was substantial, with a nice window above the sink facing he city walk. The carpet was nice and tan, and the tiles were white and gray marble. The study of his lodging was large in size too; it had enough space for not only a moderate library and desk, but for a couch and miniature fridge.  
  
Sitting at the dinning area, my best friend comes in from the kitchen with two mugs of cocoa and marshmallows. We had dressed in some relaxed house clothing- me borrowing a pair of Kurama's pajamas and socks. They were a bit long, and flopped as I moved around. At least they were soft and roomy.  
  
He sat in front of me and blew the steam off of his piping drink. I take a few sips myself and we sat quietly together like we did in the old days. From the glass door of the veranda, we watched the snow fall and mantle the panes and fence with slush. We started talking softly, about queer events and hapless, yet humorous accidents. Then about what life might be like in a few years- even the next decade. We talked about our hopes and ideas- regular philosophy exchanged between two friends. I liked this. I liked this life. I can see my sister, my niece, my friends, and Kurama whenever I liked.  
  
I sipped again from my cocoa, and glanced out the windowpane. Yes. I can see them whenever I wanted to- that makes everything worthwhile. 


End file.
